Sh*t My Girlfriend Says When Sleep-Talking

My lovely, beautiful, and perfect girlfriend Jessica, sleep talks.

There is no rhymn or reason to what she says, or when she says it. It can be funny and ridiculous, or angry and ridiculous. Either way, it is always ridiculous.

The scariest part is that she can hold entire conversations, upright, eyes open, but asleep. These are especially frustrating because I assume that like most people walking around and talking to me with their eyes open, she is awake. Sometimes she isn't and it can get pretty confusing, especially when I am tying my tie for dinner and she "wakes up" from a nap asking when the other people are coming over to deliver the bikes. Here I thought she was in the other room doing her hair or something, and it turns out she is wandering around in a dream-like trance.

If I ask her questions, she answers, sometimes even intelligibly. But, if I tell her I think she is talking in her sleep, she gets enraged. I can understand if she gets mad after politely asking me to get her something to eat, I respond by saying "You must be asleep, because you're dreaming", but most of the time I'm right.

When officially awake, Jessica laughs at what she said, and apologizes.

I've only recently decided to start writing these conversations down, and the following are two recent conversations worth remembering...

Nov. 6th, 2010- Staying at a hotel downtown for Jessica's 24th Birthday, I rouse the passed-out-drunk Jessica long enough to convince her to brush her teeth. While she is in the bathroom brushing her teeth, I fill some water glasses in the other room.

 JESSICA

(Bursting out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth, eyes squinted in rage)

Are you pooing in my water glass?!

SAM

(Astonished, because he was doing no such thing, honestly)

Ummm, no. What are you talking about?

JESSICA

(Unconvinced, now with a full-on scowl)

I heard droplets!!!

SAM

(???)

---

JESSICA

It sounded like you were pooing in my water glass!

SAM

What are you talking about?

JESSICA

(Toothpaste all over her mouth, in a low, gutteral voice, eyes squinted more)

POOOOOOOO......

(Jessica disappears back into the bathroom. Sam is left in a state of utter bewilderment). 

Nov. 20th, 2010- Jessica fell asleep while we were watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Sam tries to rouse her off the couch.

SAM 

Jessica, do you wanna get up and brush your teeth?

(In hind-sight, the mention of tooth-brushing might be a trigger)

JESSICA

(Eyes closed, and not moving)

Yes, how can I do that with you on me?

SAM

(Not on her)

I'm not on you. 

-

It's OK, we don't need to.

JESSICA

We just need someone to teach that class?

SAM

What class?

JESSICA

(Without the slightest bit of hesitation)

264 B.

SAM

Uhhhh, we just need you to be conscious.

JESSICA

I just want you to brush your teeth.

SAM

Jessica, I'm gonna carry you to bed if you don't wake-up.

JESSICA

It's peanuts or sex. 

(At this point I carried her to her bed, then started writing this all down. She had one more thing to say though)

JESSICA

It's a good thing the boss isn't here until tomorrow.

(You said it)

I wish I had thought of using this as an excuse to say whatever the hell I wanted when "asleep", but this isn't the kind of thing you just start doing, especially if your significant other actually suffers from the affliction. So, I recommend you start doing this sort of thing early-on in a relationship. See for how long, and how ridiculous you can make it. I hope that Jessica confesses to me on our 50th anniversary that she was full of shit this entire time, and she knew EXACTLY what she was saying all along. All I would be able to say is: "Damn you're good."