The Horrible Luck of the Dread Pirate Roberts

Halloween. I went as the Dread Pirate Roberts, a character from the movie The Princess Bride. Though my costume was impeccable, it turns out that while wearing it I have atrocious luck (Except at beerpong, as it turns out).

Jessica (my Princess Buttercup) and I took a train downtown to attend a party. While in a cab from Union Station, a few simple things happened that when grouped together  produced an otherwise impossible outcome.

Though the driver knew where he was going, and I had no reason to, I took out my Droid 2 smartphone to watch our cab chug along to our destination on the GPS feature.

A simple glitch in the phone occurred, causing an icon to stay on the screen while running other applications. The only way I knew of solving this problem, was to restart the phone. SO, I powered it down. Distracted, I would not power it back on.


When we reached our destination, we hopped out of the cab. Jessica said, "I always check in the back of a cab to make sure I didn't leave anything." She did, not seeing anything. I did too, with the same result. The all-black seat, in the 8pm darkness would well disguise my all-black, turned-off, Droid 2.

When we noticed my phone was missing, the cab was long-gone. As a force of habit, Jessica almost always takes note of the cab number. ALMOST always. In fact, we weren't even certain of the cab's company, or even color. Red?

Unable to call it, or call the cab company, I was S.O.L. (And as I write this, still am). I've called the cab companies I suspected might have my phone, but with no such luck. I would later that little baby Jesus that I had insurance, something I never before paid for until I got the Droid 2 months ago.

The party portion of the evening was swell. Aforementioned beerpong success, compliments on the costume, good guacamole, and a decent level of intoxication all contributed. When we left in a hurry to catch the last train out of Union, more trouble would come.

Getting in another cab, we were sweating over the clock, as it quickly approached the time of departure. When we pulled in front of the station with not a minute to spare, it did not surprise me that I left behind my sister's fencing foil that was the focal point of my costume. I was however already contemplating suicide over the lose of the Droid, and this only made me believe even more that I should not live long enough to produce offspring. I mean, who leaves the two most valuable possessions on their person, in not one, but two different Chicago cabs? Surely the night could not get worse.

Surely it did. While on the train and beyond livid with myself I uttered these words: "I just hope that the train gets stopped, and we lose power, because then I will be certain that this is a dream." Minutes later the conductor came into the car with bad news: There was a fatal accident involving a freight train in Wood dale. Our train would stop in Bensenville, and then go no further until the accident was cleared. We could wait it out (what the Chicago Tribune later told me was a 70 minute wait), or try to arrange transportation from Bensenville. We rolled the dice with Bensenville, as I had to be at work in the morning.

As we stood in the cold night on the platform of the Bensenville train station, it occurred to us that we really had no way to get home. All of our friends and family were drunk at parties, or passed out. The two cab companies I called either wouldn't go to Bensenville, or would take 45 minutes to get there. Again, I was S.O.L. In this situation however, so was Jessica. I suppose the Universe realized this right before we heard Jessica's name being called from the other side of the platform. It was her friend from high school Connie Kramer, standing with her fiance' Tommy.

The Universe saw fit to rescue Jessica, with myself only riding the coat-tails of a life spent being wonderful to everyone she met. We were able to hitch a ride with Connie's father who drove us directly to my truck, parked at the Hanover Park train station. We wished them health and happiness, forever indebted to them.

When I got home, I discovered that my sister had eaten my take-out Thai food that was waiting to nurture me back to sanity.

This is one Halloween costume that won't be recycled.