Relying on public transit regularly, I come across all kinds of interesting and not so interesting people everyday. Though 95% of them I'll never see again, I have boiled them all down into these simple groups, making it seem like I see the same faces everyday.
Pre-Med College Students- Cancer, your days are numbered. Or at least that is what the amount of reading these people do on the train would suggest. They are always in a hurry, and give dirty looks to the guy playing rap music with no headphones, as they try to study.
Guy Playing Rap Music From His iPhone Without Earbuds, Singing Along to it Loudly- He doesn't give a fuck that you're studying, old, or otherwise bothered by his behavior; he's playing what he thinks is the best music to ever grace Pandora, and probably singing along to it at random parts, off of any key there may be. He has no shame, but still more than the homeless guy asking for change.
Homeless Guy Asking For Change- Let me just say that I feel for this guy. I'll probably even write a blog specifically about this guy. However, he is still one of the ten people you meet on the L. After a long day of this, he may even become...
That Guy That Falls Asleep in a Way That Looks Like He's Dead- Maybe he just dug a hundred graves, or maybe he is coming down from a good free-basing session. Either way, he has been asleep for the entire hour you've been on the Red line, and you wonder how long ago he missed his stop. He has crumbs on his beard from what appears to have been some kind of pastry, and you can't. Stop. Staring.
The Suit- He probably just moved here from Indianapolis for a job in insurance, selling bathroom tile, or something equally unfulfilling. Either way, he looks so rightfully nervous about the hateful guy eying his kindle that he can't even finish reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the second time.
The Hateful Guy/Lady- What reason do they have for being so hateful, who knows? As it is, they take it out on the public in interesting and sometimes frightening ways. Occasionally they say things like, "Fuck fuck fuck you you you fucking you" while flicking you off, as you pretend to be looking out the window. Other times they just wet themselves all over an otherwise good seat, on a crowded train, robbing suburban tourists of a place to rest.
The Suburban Tourist- They are surprising the loudest on the train, as they are on some kind of little vacation instead of hauling tired ass to and from shitty job. Everyone else in the car looks at them with stone-cold resentment. In that moment, any passenger (including the hipsters) would kill them just so they don't have to hear another word about how none of them really know the guy throwing this party, but that so-and-so's cousin will probably get too drunk and jeopardize their graduating from prep school.
The Hipster/Artsy Chick- Their sunglasses will be the most expensive thing they have on, as they otherwise wear amazing techno-colored dream rags that hold the fascination of the mother of four's four. They will be listening to the Fleet Foxes, but you won't know it, as they will keep entirely to themselves, even in the company of other hipsters/artsy chicks.
The Mother of Four- This is another person I feel for. She sometimes has to simultaneously push a double stroller while dragging a screaming toddler behind her to catch a train. Once on board, the mother will feed them McDonald's while they stare at the above mentioned people you meet in transit.
If you ride the L, you are one of these people. Or, you are me, the tenth person. If you happen to see me, leave me the hell alone.
9.12.2011
Fantasy Rooms
Jessica and I's wedding venue of choice is a resort in Wisconsin Dells. Not a selling point, but still very fun to think about are the "Fantasy Suites" located on the premises. Daughter of the CEO and our wedding coordinator, Krissy nervously rattled them off in a hurry while we waited for an elevator. I'm pretty sure that she assumed correctly we would make fun of them. So, here goes...
The fantasies our venue are able to fulfill so far are the following:
Wild West (Tobacco flavored "whiskey" and STD filled brothel included?)
Pirates of the Caribbean (Worms in your food, murder in your sleep, woman-less trial at sea, or the Somalian kind?)
Outer Space (A dark, airless and freezing void?)
Southern Plantation (Before or after 1865?)
African Safari (Ivory isn't just a soap)
Here is a list of suggestions for an expansion of their fantasy suite block:
Firefighter Room- Enter a room engulfed entirely in flames, and do your best to put them out, or your credit card will be charged.
Under the Sea Suite- Submerge your desires to swim with mermaids and seahorses in our 1500 gallon Under the Sea suite. The saltwater tank is kept at a natural 38 degrees fahrenheit all year long. (Mermaids and Seahorses neither included, nor existent...well, maybe seahorses).
Torture Room- Spend the night in one of our "coziest" rooms on site with your choice of any of the following people: Justin Bieber, Kevin Federline, The Arby's Oven Mit, Regis Philbin, Simon Cowell, Dr. Phil, Gilbert Gottfried, Elmo, any of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and any fan of a Philadelphia sports team. Escape is of course impossible, so too is sleep.
Dockside Room- Spend the night as a Longshoreman! Mill about the shoreline chain-smoking with other unemployed shoremen. Later, float your brain in Schlitz and Jim Beam at the dockside bar. If everything goes well, you'll have the cocktail waitress pregnant with your bastard child by night's end.
Single Parent Room- Spend next to no time at all in our Single Parent fantasy suite. Stop by between jobs long enough to rotate babysitters and eat a Lean Pocket. Don't forget, the rent is due on the first, and checkout is at eleven.
Quarantine Room- Enjoy a glimpse into the life of a quarantined pandemic victim.You'll be contained in a sterile, white room complete with glass wall for resort guests to look through onto your awful condition. Attempt to build your strength with three low-calorie meals fed to you through the locked door. Remember that there is no hope of recovery, but the breakfast buffet is free to your mourning family.
Chicago Cubs Room- A variation on the Torture room, sit in suffering of losing season after losing season in our Chicago Cubs themed fantasy room. Only the truly masochist of guests enjoy this room, but book long in advance, as it is always filled.
Crack Den Room- Invite your friends, friends of friends, and strangers of friends' friends over for a night of using and abusing. Complete with pee-stained mattresses and next to nothing else, our Crack Den fantasy room is worth almost every bit of the $35 a night you'll spend on it.
Sex Slave Suite (Women only)- Perfect for bachelorette parties, share our Sex Slave Suite and complimentary waste bucket with thirteen or fourteen of your best friends. Sit in complete darkness inside the suite, shaped and decorated exactly like a freight container. Cling to hopes of a new life in America, and a husband that will "take care of you".
Feel free to comment with suggestions of your own!
The fantasies our venue are able to fulfill so far are the following:
Wild West (Tobacco flavored "whiskey" and STD filled brothel included?)
Pirates of the Caribbean (Worms in your food, murder in your sleep, woman-less trial at sea, or the Somalian kind?)
Outer Space (A dark, airless and freezing void?)
Southern Plantation (Before or after 1865?)
African Safari (Ivory isn't just a soap)
Here is a list of suggestions for an expansion of their fantasy suite block:
Firefighter Room- Enter a room engulfed entirely in flames, and do your best to put them out, or your credit card will be charged.
Under the Sea Suite- Submerge your desires to swim with mermaids and seahorses in our 1500 gallon Under the Sea suite. The saltwater tank is kept at a natural 38 degrees fahrenheit all year long. (Mermaids and Seahorses neither included, nor existent...well, maybe seahorses).
Torture Room- Spend the night in one of our "coziest" rooms on site with your choice of any of the following people: Justin Bieber, Kevin Federline, The Arby's Oven Mit, Regis Philbin, Simon Cowell, Dr. Phil, Gilbert Gottfried, Elmo, any of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and any fan of a Philadelphia sports team. Escape is of course impossible, so too is sleep.
Dockside Room- Spend the night as a Longshoreman! Mill about the shoreline chain-smoking with other unemployed shoremen. Later, float your brain in Schlitz and Jim Beam at the dockside bar. If everything goes well, you'll have the cocktail waitress pregnant with your bastard child by night's end.
Single Parent Room- Spend next to no time at all in our Single Parent fantasy suite. Stop by between jobs long enough to rotate babysitters and eat a Lean Pocket. Don't forget, the rent is due on the first, and checkout is at eleven.
Quarantine Room- Enjoy a glimpse into the life of a quarantined pandemic victim.You'll be contained in a sterile, white room complete with glass wall for resort guests to look through onto your awful condition. Attempt to build your strength with three low-calorie meals fed to you through the locked door. Remember that there is no hope of recovery, but the breakfast buffet is free to your mourning family.
Chicago Cubs Room- A variation on the Torture room, sit in suffering of losing season after losing season in our Chicago Cubs themed fantasy room. Only the truly masochist of guests enjoy this room, but book long in advance, as it is always filled.
Crack Den Room- Invite your friends, friends of friends, and strangers of friends' friends over for a night of using and abusing. Complete with pee-stained mattresses and next to nothing else, our Crack Den fantasy room is worth almost every bit of the $35 a night you'll spend on it.
Sex Slave Suite (Women only)- Perfect for bachelorette parties, share our Sex Slave Suite and complimentary waste bucket with thirteen or fourteen of your best friends. Sit in complete darkness inside the suite, shaped and decorated exactly like a freight container. Cling to hopes of a new life in America, and a husband that will "take care of you".
Feel free to comment with suggestions of your own!
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