Marriages. The union of two families. Many times it can be a beautiful thing, resulting in decades of back-slapping, cigar smoking and worn-out inside jokes over many a Thanksgiving dinner, baptism, and graduation.
Though Jessica and I have been together, and enjoying one anothers families for these three years, our parents have met only twice. Both times were brief, and involved no (okay, little) alcohol.
As we come ever closer to the day of our nuptials, I can put off their meeting at great length for no longer. Four weeks from now, the three couples will be wedding planning over a weekend in the Dells. My father has gone well out of his way to make it clear that nothing should be expected of him throughout this process, but he will be there.
Though my father and I have the same sense of humor, I am at a point in my life where showing restraint and discretion is still of value. He, on the other hand, lives in bleach-stained sweatpants covered in dog hair and doesn't see much merit in leaving the house. As a result, my mother and I have deemed him a threat. At some point during our weekend with the Bersanis, there is the very serious chance that my father will say something less than agreeable to, or in front of, Jessica's parents. For that very reason, I have produced a list of the ONLY approved topics of conversation. These are to be studied and memorized, as any mention of canine excrement, feline vomit, unnecessary open flames or God forbid- my past, may jeopardize whatever impression the Bersanis have of me to allow me their eldest daughter's hand. And let's face it- over dinner the Bersanis may get drunk, but they won't get Wrobel drunk, which is a separate class in and of itself.
And here they are...
The Weather (Pretty safe, unless it is raining abortions and death penalties. A chilling thought...)
Ghosts and the Paranormal (Probably my father's biggest interest after the size, shape and consistency of dog shits, and it happens that Jessica's mother is also a fan [of the paranormal...not the shits...probably]
Jessica (The mutual adoration thereof)
Sam (Ages 0-2 and 24-26) [I cannot stress this enough. The Bersanis are good, Bartlett people and I am literally from the other side of the tracks. I've done some things man...]
John Wesley's Methodist Church and The Roman Catholic Church (Good, honest values. Under no circumstance will there be discussion of any specific people from any church. In fact, I'm reconsidering this topic, even as I type...)
The Cubs (How cheap tickets used to be)
The Bears (How cheap tickets used to be)
Chicago (Shared childhoods growing up there, drinking egg-cream sodas on stoops and playing stick ball I imagine)
The GOP (Nothing crazy now. Let them take the lead.)
Dogs (Minus any and all bodily fluids)
Gardening (Another shared passion of my father and Mrs. Bersani. Although, again, this could come dangerously close to a dog-shit conversation [not a euphemism]).
Should any other topic come up, my father is to act interested, but offer no contribution to the conversation, other than to train it towards one of the approved topics. Then order me another drink. All he need do is sit back, sip his martini, let me dominate the dinner conversation like I do best, and I may get to marry this broad yet.
