The Gathering of the Wine Snobs

Everyone I know that speaks another language is modest about it. They recognize that it isn't something everyone can do, and that is should be used functionally, not for evil- as a means of making others feel out of place and sometimes embarrassed.

Like most industries, the wine field has it's own jargon, that can at times seem like another language entirely, to people not in the know with "Winespeak". However, unlike modest speakers of actual languages, too many oenophiles use their their jargon as a means of one-upping colleagues and further alienating those outside of their little, exclusive club. In this way, these wine snobs make those of us that wish to educate and welcome people into the world of wine, look bad.

One of the gigs I have in this industry is for an auction house based out of New York (Acker, Merrall and Condit) that this past year have started having auctions in Chicago. Working with them gives me a chance to earn some extra coin, while familiarizing myself with some of the rare and expensive labels of the world; wines that I would otherwise only read about. Plus, the perks are pretty sweet too. For instance, this past week I was invited to attend an expensive wine dinner for collectors and buyers, two nights before the auction. So here, I find myself fallen ass-backwards into a lavish room full of crazy-rare wine, magnificent food, and incredibly rich people. I engaged in polite conversation, but still felt like an impostor. I wore one of my better suits, but around these people (even those in jeans and a sweater) felt like it was worn to my 8th-grade graduation. I mostly just sat in quiet awe of the incredible wines I was tasting, and the stories I was hearing from the accomplished people around me. 

Not all of the speakers were pleasant, however.What I wasn't used to were the some of the younger, self-made D-bags, using winespeak and wine preferences as a way of looking superior. Nowhere have I seen so many people jump to correct someone's pronunciation of a winemaker, or region. They also have a not-so-subtle way of hinting at how much money they make. One such self-made D-bag I wanted to take outside, roll up my cuffs, punch square in the jaw, stand over and tell that not only did I think the '82 Leoville-Barton was flat and boring, but that I happened to enjoy a well-made Zinfandel too. So fuck you.

Too many of these guys acted like getting drunk off of impossible-to-find vintages made them gentlemen, better than. The reality however, is that whether you get drunk sipping a first-growth vertical, or for the first time until horizontal, you're still drunk, and you can still look very stupid. If you're a lousy, classless drunk, then no amount of this much sought after juice is going to save you from looking like the ass that you in fact are. I witnessed grown men worth millions squabble like 13-year old girls, while pouring $3,000 bottles of wine. FACT: What you choose to drink doesn't make you a gentleman. Rather, HOW you drink and how treat the company drinking with you, does.

Moral of the story: Don't use any knowledge you've gained during your existence on this earth as a means of making anyone feel bad. Instead, use it to help those you encounter on this marvelous journey called life, enjoy the joie de vivre that much more, not less. Let people have their own opinions, and respect them. When it comes to wine- fuck the snobs. As a mentor of mine says, "Keep it simple, fun and functional."




 In case you're interested in some of what I drank:

1990 La Grande Dame
1990 Krug
1996 Henriot
1982 Leoville-Barton
1953 Clos St. Jean CNP
1997 La Torque
2001 Bataird-Montrachet
2006 J.L. Chave Blanc
2002 Chevalier-Montchard
1990 St. Julien-Leoville
1997 Chambolle-Musigny
1989 Haut-Brion
1983 Mouton-Rothchild
1982 Latour
1998 La Torque
1998 La Landonne
1986 Penfolds Grange
2009 LaRoy Echezeaux
1953 Clos St. Jean
2009 Domaine Dujac
1967 Wachen-Heimer TBA

DMV = Not For Me

I know It isn't a secret that the DMV is supposed to suck. I however, was recently there for the first time since college, and gots some thoughts on it.


The last time I went to a DMV, it was in Macomb, my senior year of college. The experience there is very different than any other DMV experience I've ever heard about. You walk in, talk to one of two pleasant old people working there, and walk out with whatever you came for in a matter of minutes. A Chicago DMV is almost unrecognizable to a person coming from that kind of experience.

First off, they are massive. I was lucky enough to have the chance to go at 11AM on a Tuesday [Read: Blew off wine-sales appointments] and it still looked crowded to me. Though I guess crowded is relative to the maximum occupancy of the place. I'm sure if you asked one of the many characters that work there, they would tell you that the place was slower than an Amish drag race. Indeed, I had to weave my way through a maze of ropes in each of the five lines I stood in, leading me to believe that the place normally looked like a slaughterhouse.

Most of the people that work there are rightfully surly; they have to deal with a never-ending line of idiots asking the same questions, everyday. On this day, I felt like I was some kind of Mensa-worthy genius for being able to navigate my way though the lines and tests required of me. I seemed to be one of the few...

At the vision test, a woman that looked old enough to have attended the Chicago World's Fair was trying to renew her license, for I would hope the last time. She didn't seem to know what was going on, and her husband of probably eight decades and her two grown children came out to see it done. The party mentioned was probably dreading her failing, meaning they would have to take turns driving her to bunko games and mass everyday.

DMV ATTENDANT

Can you read line five?

OLD LADY

Line five? Is that the one with the letters or numbers on it?

DMV ATTENDANT

It will have both letters and numbers on it.

OLD LADY

Li...line..fi...five? What? I don't see a line five.

DMV ATTENDANT

Ma'm, line five is the fifth row from the top. Can you read me the letters and numbers you see there?

OLD LADY

(Seeming genuinely surprised that someone would expect her to be able to read this line five)

What? Noooo, I can't read that!

Her family wasn't convinced, and they demanded she be given another exam. So, she was dragged off to wait in a line for said exam, most likely under the impression she was being tested to serve in the nursing corps... like all the other gals... to do her part to fight the Nazis.

I certainly hope they have robot cars by the time I'm old, because I don't want my kids to force me to get a drivers license, just so they don't have to drive me anywhere. This poor woman could have been banging Henry Ford back in her time, but now she just wants to go home to listen to her radio program.

The testing area for renewing (or in the case of most of the people around me, getting their first) was filled with foreigners. When I walked up, the woman asked me very slowly if I would be testing in Polish. A good guess, I'll give her that. In perfect English I responded, "English". 

The written test required to hold a valid driver's license in the state of Illinois is a joke. It is a short, true/false and multiple choice, waste of time. The questions themselves are either so easy you think you're crazy, or so confusing that you wonder why of all the things to put on this test, they chose this question.

EXAMPLE:

When a person that is blind, with a white cane or seeing eye dog, enters an intersection, you should:

A) Yield to the right of way

B) Increase speed to quickly pass them

C) Maintain speed, but alert them of your presence by honking twice

Are you fucking kidding me? I would expect this kind of question on a psychological examination to determine if  a person is insane, not if they could operate an automobile. 

There is also a question about a funeral procession. What to do if you encounter a funeral procession? Who gives a shit? I've probably wondered that one time in my life while behind the wheel. They chose this question to test applicants with, but the words "Ice", "Skid", and "Avoid" do not make a single appearance in any of these twenty questions.

I also answered "True" to every true/false question, and seriously reconsidered one answer just because I thought no one would ever make a true/false test where every question's correct answer was "True". Well, it looks like the state of Illinois is more concerned that their licensed drivers can read English, more-so than actually drive safely.

I left with a photo of what I would call the fattest face I've ever made, thinking, "It could be worse."