Revelations with Security Guard Hill vol. 1

Walgreens is all about loss prevention. One of the measures they take toward this end, is a middle-aged, black security guard named Hill. He is well-groomed, stands up straight, and when he isn't talking my ear off, probably good at what he does. For whatever reason, he has taken to telling me things about his personal life. I can only laugh and carry on with my business. As he passes by me speaking these little gems, then passing on. Here are some of those gems...

HILL

Brazilians. That's what they call them. I just remembered. That's what they call black women in Chinatown.

ME

 Are you sure they aren't actually Brazilians?

HILL

I got a DvD doh. Sam, I got a DvD! Brazilians.

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HILL

Asian women. Their families tell them things that make them afraid of black men. They should be too. I'm used to havin' me some BIG women, you know? 

ME

Sure. 

HILL

 These Asian women, they gonna wonder where the rain is when I bring the thunder. I put a dent in duh bed doh. A dent Sam, a dent.

(Hill walks away and stands at attention near the escalator. A moment later, I turn to look at him. His eyes are already fixed on me and with the most serious expression on his face, he makes a simple motion like snapping a twig. I'm speechless).

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HILL
I've got something to tell you, man.

 ME
Oh?

HILL
My friend told me that they're all over the place.

ME
What is?

HILL
Women are walking around, undiagnosed Bi-Polars.

ME
(Re-assuring, but awkward chuckle)

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HILL
I've got something to tell you.

ME
What's up?

HILL
My buddy, he was married, see? But, he wanted some cream in his coffee.

ME
(Confused)

HILL
By that I mean, he wanted a white woman.

ME
I see.

HILL
So, he got with this one lady, but she was paranoid, ya know,

SAM
Of course.

HILL
She had been treated poorly in the past, I guess. She ended up ruining my buddy's marriage.

ME
Sour cream, huh? What happened to her?

HILL
She buys him all kinds of stuff, so he still wit 'er.

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Hill would later explain in exact order, which ethic groups of women he is most interested in having sexual relations with...

1. Chinese: "They have little, sexy feet. No, seriously"
2. Brazilian: "They're all tan, and they don't care, man. Mmm!"
3. Russian: "They good-lookin' women man, they is- tall and fierce, you know?"
4. Italian: "They're shaped like black women, but with dark hair [?]"

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HILL
My lady, Patricia, she loves this Moscato...

(Referring to little, single-serving bottles of Gallo wines, that we sell for a single dollar)

...Yeah, she makes me bring some over so she can feel erotic and all.

She call me like, "Hill, you know I need that wine." So, I bring over two, you know? In case I want to go again...

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How to Bag and Keep a Keeper

In seven months, I will be throwing the little black book on the fire once and for all, becoming a married man. When younger guys ask me how I could leave the game for a life of monotony monogamy at the age of 26, I simply reply, "The game is over, there isn't anything more for me to win." Indeed, I bagged a keeper. My keeper brings me so much happiness, that I thought I'd share a few points on the bagging and keeping of a keeper. It is a lot like Snipe hunting.

You've heard it before, because it is the single most important attribute to have when searching for Mrs. right- Be Confident. You may not look like whoever is supposed to be the best-looking Hollywood male these days, or dive into a vault of coins like Scrooge McDuck at the close of business everyday, but you have something to offer everyone and everything to offer someone. You just need to recognize what that is, then harness the confidence you feel for it when talking to women.

 I could elaborate on getting a woman's attention (not that I'm some Casanova) but then the courtship would be scripted, and not your own. I'd rather focus on the keeping, the most important part. Some of these seem simple, because they are. Little things get noticed.

Jessica told me that I was the first person she'd ever heard refer to someone's weight in dollars and cents (e.g. "he must weigh a buck-fifty soaking weight.") This she told me this week, after years of courtship. She never shared this, but it struck me when she did- she took note of this little, I thought common, phrase. Though she remembers the first time I told her I love her, she also remembered this. Get the point?

Always be the one to pay her the first and last compliments of her day. The first starts her on her day feeling great and confident.The last makes it certain that she goes to bed with your good intentions at the foremost of her mind. Of course, you are not limited to these two compliments a day, and any you pay her should not be forced.

Surprises. Everyone loves them, women especially. I like to use a combination of simple surprises (a note in a lunch) and more complicated ones (fifty rubber ducks hidden around the flat- she has found thirty-four so far). They are simple and will seriously make her day, week, or even year. Little gestures can carry great weight. This goes for every relationship, in every aspect of your life.

Make her laugh. In my opinion, the single-most important aspect to keeping a keeper. Some people are more gifted with humor than others, but you don't need to be Steve Martin to make a fool of yourself toward the purpose of making your woman laugh. Once you find something that really tickles her, you can add it to your arsenal, guaranteeing at least a smile when you use it in the most inappropriate places. Take for example my use of a simple "Ooooohhhhhh" in a deep, offensively Asian voice while dining at Japan 77, this past weekend. She laughed, assuring that she can expect it every time I open a Chinese take-out menu in her presence until I die, or it fails to generate a responsive giggle. "Ooooohhhhhhh Salmon shrimp roll!"

Share enjoyments. Jessica and I shared a common love of cinema before we met, so that was easy. More recently, we took up a shared love of the Hunger Games trilogy. These we stay up talking about at night, and eagerly await the premiere of the first movie. By discovering a common interest like this together, it makes the books as well as our company more enjoyable. Maybe you won't like Glee, but you'll sit through it. Eventually, you'll find something of hers that you do enjoy, and you'll find yourself that much more in love with her for sharing it with you.

Argue with passion. When Jessica and I argue (luckily infrequently) we do so well. It is often about little nonsensical bullshit, but since we both have a flair for the dramatic (we met backstage on a show) the arguments go through various phases of fury until the flames burn themselves out. As the coals cool, we are allowed to go to bed made-up. Argue with passion, and it will end as abruptly as it began. Don't, and you may find yourselves keeping a fire of resentment burning for days, weeks, years.

There, that will do.