A New Approach to my Resume'

SAM WROBEL
Local 861
(630) 364-9680
Email: SA-Wrobel@wiu.edu

PERSONAL SKILLS and PROFESSIONAL PROFILE

• Extremely flexible. Can not only touch toes, but place entire palms to floor.
• A motivated, goal oriented, individual capable of working well under pressures of up to 1500 PSI
• An energetic ambitious individual, with the ability to remain conscious for over eleven hours a day.
Proficient in Microsoft Windows, Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Wii Tennis, and Morse code.


EDUCTION
Semester and a half–Hunter S. Thompson Community College- Sum Cum Loudly– May 2009
Devil’s Knee, CO– Overall GPA: Twelve

MEMBERSHIPS and ACTIVITIES

• Alchemy Club- Vice President (September 2008)
• Alfalfa Sega Ortega fraternity
• Students for Amateur Pornography (Secretary 2008)

WORK EXPERIENCE (seasonal and part time)

Grave Robber (Spring 2005)
•Robbed such high profile graves: Abraham Lincoln, Al Capone, Jack Lemmon.

Internship: Irish Republican Army (Summer 2005)
•Food taster.

Magician’s Apprentice (Fall 2005)
•Carried water from well to fountain, subsequently cast spell on broom to do said task.

Drug Mule- Rodriguez Drug cartel. Tijuana, Mexico. (Spring 2006)
•Moved quality, uncut, product across U.S./Mexican border, in an efficient, undetected manner.

Horse Fixer (Spring 2006)
•Provided adequate reason for assurance betting in professional horse racing circuit.

Ivory Dealer (Summer 2006)
•Dealt African Elephant Ivory, conducting with big game hunters and buyers.

Director of Marketing- South Bronx Abortion Clinic (Fall 2007)
•Headed the Marketing department, lead various AD campaigns, with varying success.

Importer of Exotic Animals- Detroit, MI (Winter 2007)
•Provided exotic, often endangered, species for household pets. Specialized in Two-toed Sloth.

Relief Pitcher- Chicago Cubs (Spring 2008)
•Appeared in 28 games with consistent ERA of 7.58

REFERENCES:

Juan Diego “Diablo Niño” Rodriguez- Rodriquez Drug Cartel
Cell phone (burner): (918) 567-846$

Carlos Zambrano- Chicago Cubs
Contact in Person- 1060 W. Addison, Chicago, IL.