Aries- Today you will eat 3 meals, not including Taco Bell's delicious Fourth Meal.
Taurus- Drink all day, then make that important decision you've been putting off for so long.
Gemini- You're right, it's the only way...
Cancer- I know what she said, but she wasn't on birth control...
Leo- You'll run into an old friend from your past. Maybe the friend you ratted on that spent the last twelve years carving your name into his flesh with a sharpened toothbrush. Maybe he made parole, and knows where you live. Maybe, just maybe...
Virgo- Have you gained weight?
Libra-Today, take the world by the horns, and be all that you ever wanted to be. No more excuses. Beethoven was deaf when he wrote the 9th symphany. Right?
Scorpio-Your son is stealing your cigarettes. No, the younger one.
Sagittarius- Stop thinking about and do it. Those photos can make you a lot of money on the internet. Besides, she was always a bitch anyway.
Capricorn- You shouldn't put that in your mouth, not for a second.
Aquarius-Today is a good day to put that dog down.
Picses- "Today seems like a good day, to burn a bridge or two..."
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