Deep Thoughts on the Maury Show

As it is the only thing on a television, without a remote, mounted to a wall, in the employee break room, I have recently become well-versed in the Maury Povich show. I have made the program the subject if a few of my statuses, but the things I have to say can only be sufficiently expressed through a note. And so, these are my deep thoughts on the Maury show...


The Maury show has been on the air since 1991. There was a time, I can remember, when common themes included transvestite prostitutes, midget drug dealers, or even a good old-fashioned homo coming out of the closet episode. Lately however, It seems like the producers got wise to the ever devolving population's lust for primal entertainment. This is achieved best when "The Results Are In!".

With the DNA,and lie-detector test episodes, the audience experiences the classic components to a great story:

Protagonist (usually a mother searching for a dead-beat father, or someone accused of infidelity)

Antagonist (the dead beat baby daddy, or the cheating cheater)

Conflict (pre-results shit talk that escalates tooooooo...)

Climax (THE RESULTS!)

After the results are in, these things must happen:

If the man tested is not the father, he must double first pump in the air and shout "I told you, you lying slut!" while she runs offstage crying into her hands, as Maury followers with cameras and comfort. If the man IS the father, he must stand up shaking his head repeating "the kid ain't mine, the kid ain't mine. Look at the picture, it don't even look like me" (guests on the Maury show have only a basic understanding of DNA and genetics. And no, your 1 year old baby daughter wouldn't look like your 38 year old cracked-out ass) while she jumps in his face with a stearnly pointed finger and shouts "I told you, I told you!". And. The. Crowd. Goes. Wild.

(With lie-detector infidelity tests, replace these phrases with a heart felt hug, "I didn't do nothing!", and "@$% you, you lying piece of @#$%!", in that order.)



I must admit, like a good car accident, or animals mating at the zoo, you just cannot turn away when the results are in. The revealing of these DNA and Lie-detector results really command your attention in a way that "Talented Children" or "Geek-to-Chic Makeovers" themes cannot possibly. No one cares about 4 year old kid that can play Mozart, when THE RESULTS ARE IN! No one cares how an ugly person could transform into a slightly less ugly person, when we can find out if Darnell is the father of his 19 year old step daughter Moniqk's three children,or if it is any of the other six guys in the room, one of whom WANTS to be the father!!! (breath) Now, THAT is entertainment.

I'm not one to judge. But, here I go...

Seriously? You had unprotected sex with six guys within the same time period for them all to be potential candidates to have fathered your baby?

Seriously? After your first, or even second teenage pregnancy with your sister's husband you still think condoms aren't worthwhile. I mean, I know its not as effective as pulling out (which we all know to be 300% effective) but its still up there.

Seriously? You find the need to get to the bottom of all this on the Maury show?

Yes, seriously. Whether seeking their well-deserved 15 minutes of fame*, or just a free DNA test, these guests are serious. I have to believe the decision to solve these problems in an embarrassing fashion on TV can only be arrived upon by the intoxicated allure of visiting Stamford, Connecticut, where I bet you wouldn't have guessed its filmed.

Its the Maury show, and its on WGN. Always.


*Next time you watch the Maury show, notice the clothes they are wearing. Understand that if given the opportunity to go on television, most people will pick out their favorite outfit. These are their favorite outfits.