It takes two to plan a wedding, or so I'm told. However, whenever I try to contribute brilliant wedding plans, I get shut down. Submitted for your approval, Sam's unconventional wedding ideas. You be the judge.
Save the Dates- Toilet paper rolls on which is printed: "No shit? Sam and Jessica are getting married! Save the date: 10/06/2012." She actually almost went for this one. I think the cost of having them made killed the argument. I think.
Gift Registry- Register for things I actually want, but can't afford- A big TV, a Mini Cooper, and most importantly a pug puppy. I was told that we had to register for things that we needed for our new home/life together- like whisks and melon-ballers.
Bridal Shower- Apparently I'm supposed to be at this thing, and it took Jessica all night to try and explain why we have this party so people can give us gifts, but then also give wedding gifts. I suggested a Shower theme. Like, literally a shower. We could wear shower caps, shower curtain table cloths, rubber ducky center pieces, etc. She thought I was kidding, giggled and left the room.
Rehearsal Dinner- Medieval Times, dinner and tournament. The tradition of groomsmen dates back to the middle ages, so there could be no better place to celebrate that fact than here. A night of gallantry and feasting is always a good time. Jessica only reminded me that there wasn't a M.T. anywhere near the Dells, and that Ripley's Believe it or Not didn't have enough space for us.
Flowers- Pre-Jurassic period. This I'll admit was kind of ridiculous, and didn't need her veto. Still, nothing beats the splendor of a Bromeliad in full bloom.
Photography- Everyone has camera phones, so I don't see why we need to hire some random guy to take pics. I suggested we have everyone take pictures and then we can pay our friends a dollar a picture or something. She said we needed "professional" pictures. I explained that if we paid for them, that would make the camera phone pics professional. She left the room.
Officiant- Crusty sea captain on his ship. This has long been a dream of mine. Upon research however, it turns out that most ship "captains" cannot marry people, and simply owning a boat doesn't make you a "captain". This idea fell flat on its face for more than one reason.
Bible Readings During the Ceremony- Everyone always reads the same Bible passages at these things. I'm tired of first Corinthians telling me love is kind and the likes. I suggested we use obscure and borderline inappropriate Bible verses. For example, nothing would make me smile more on my wedding day* than hearing 16-year old Maid of Honor Rebecca Bersani reading 2 Kings 2:23-2:
"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."
Or better still...
Ezekiel 23:19-20
"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."
Praise be to God!
Wedding Rings- Replicas of the "One Ring to Rule Them All". I could probably sneak a little elvish script on the inside band without her knowing, but I doubt that they have those at pawn shops anyway.
Bagpiper- This is actually going to happen, but not to the extent that I suggested. We have to pay the guy to be there, so why not use him as much as we can- play while Jessica is getting ready, during the cocktail hour, in the bedroom the evening of, etc. As it stands, you'll see the guy, but not as much as you should.
Throwing Rice- Substitute rice (which I'm told is bad for birds anyway) with M&M Minis. This speaks for itself, but was still rejected.
Entrance to Reception- Instead of entering to some "That's What I Call Music 58" track while I carry my new bride into the reception wearing sunglasses to roaring applause, I came up with riding in on an elephant to Aladdin's "Prince Ali" while throwing gold coins to our guests. Jessica didn't even respond. She probably thinks it isn't spectacular enough. I'm beginning to agree with her.
Party Favors- Everyone is all about charitable donations in your name for these things now. I'm all about creative charities- like giving a copy of everyone's room keys to homeless people. Buuuuuut I'm sure we'll end up making some ordinary donation to some charity in your name instead.
Toast- Thinking outside of the box again, I sought something to toast other than liquids. What is the next best thing to drinking? Smoking. We could have Hookahs as the center pieces of each table, and have a ceremonial Hookah pull for our toast. It would also make for a more interesting dance floor makeup as well. Jessica will be reading this idea for the first time, here.
Meal- With an open bar, there is no better food pairing than White Castle Crave Cubes.As it turns out, those delicious little burgers cause me tremendous gas, so that is I guess a deal breaker.
Wedding Cake- Substitute a cake for a wheel of cheese (in true Wisconsin wedding fashion) and allow the DJ to speak over the PA, "Please direct your attention to the dance floor, where the bride will cut the cheese." This idea being rejected, I suggested Zebra Cakes. Everyone loves them, and they are an impossible to beat $1.09 for a box. I'm piecing together my rebuttal for the latter as we speak.
Wedding Band- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo
Wedding Night- I'll probably be pretty spent from all the High-Fiving and drinking, so I thought it would be nice to rent a complimentary PG-13 DVD and enjoy it with some nice decaf lemon tea.
Honeymoon- Mississippi steamboat adventure complete with Mark Twain impersonator. Boom. It goes from Memphis to New Orleans, making stops along the way. I thought there was no way this idea would get shut down.
I guess I still have a lot to learn about my bride-to-be and marriage in general. However the wedding turns out, I'm be glad to be starting a different kind of adventure.
* (Aside from the prospect of spending the rest of my life with the one I love, of course :))
