DINING
Refer to all male waitstaff as "my maaaaan (insert friendly variation of name on their tag)."
Refer to all female waitstaff as "dollface, legs, lovely" etc. If you can, try to make uncomfortable references to how you wouldn't mind sleeping with them.
Position yourself at either the head of the table, or at the very least facing the door, but do not sit yet. Always be the last one to sit down at the table, even helping people into their seats. This will show people that you control the tempo; dinner doesn't start until you say it does.
Always order any kind of drink "neat" (i.e. Maker's Mark "neat"). You don't have to know what it means, because most other people, including servers, don't. It works especially well if you say it with a bit of a pause, then emphasis: "Maker's Mark. Neat!" Try ordering a beer this way, and scream in the face of anyone that tells you it doesn't make sense.
When the waitress comes around to take food orders, insist on another round of drinks before anyone can even open their mouth to ask about the specials. Shoo away the waitress before anyone can protest.
When ordering wine, always order the second or third most expensive bottle of wine on the menu, and say something like, "______________ at this price? I wonder how they make a dime!"
At this point, order the souffle. If whatever restaurant you are dining at does not offer souffle, that is your first mistake. After you order, wonder aloud if it will be as good as the ones you used to have in Paris.
Order any cooked piece of cow medium-rare. It shows that you are a risk taker, but that you appreciate good meat enough to know it should not be under OR over done.
If you can, order for at least one other person at the table, against their will.
"Jimmy and I here will both have the porterhouse, medium-rare. Won't we Jimmy?"
LIFESTYLE
Always have an impeccable car, lawn and home. Your hot wife should keep up a rose garden. All your neighbors will understand how much better you are then them, with logic mentioned before: "If he takes care of his lawn this well, he must take care of __________ also as well."
Take a lot of vacations, even, and especially when you do not deserve them. Come back to work tan, even if you just sat around at home watching Golden Girls re-runs. When co-workers ask how your vacation was, simply say: "Ohhh I needed it! I just don't get down there enough." Before they can ask anymore questions (like where you actually went) brush them off as you busily get to work on the things you put off to go on vacation, like you couldn't wait to get back.
Try to be seen reading the newspaper as much as possible. Pick it up when someone is on their way over, or walking to your office. When they enter, act like you're finishing a sentence, then shake your head slowly and say something like: "those goddamn beaurocrats are gonna ruin this country." Then, put down the paper and engage your visitor. It is important for people to at least assume that you have an opinion about world issues.
Smoke cigars, especially in obviously non-smoking areas like hospitals and schools. This will give you that "I do what I want" look, and when approached to put it out, make some quip about you being the last fun person alive. You can also save a lot of cigars this way. If you only take five puffs of a cigar before putting it out, it will last you through many a child birth or parent/teacher conference.
Talk on the phone, or even better BlueTooth, a lot. The conversations can be faked, but should seem incredibly important. When you do make a friendly call, immediately make light-hearted insults: "Brian, you old coose hound, how are ya? I can't believe you're even taking calls after how badly your Knicks lost last night." etc.
Show up about 3 minutes late for everything. This will ensure that everyone is watching you as you enter the room, but you won't be late to the point that people are upset. Most things don't get going until 3 minutes after the start time anyway, minus the obvious (Shuttle launches, solar eclipses, Airplane flights).
Finally, when your hot wife births you an heir, name him something impressive, but always with a "the third" attached to it, even if it doesn't apply. The more successful your family is, the more of you with the same name there will be. So, skip right over the Jr. and go right for III.
There, now your successful life can repeat itself in your offspring, and your legay will never die.
1.19.2011
How to Be Successful and Lose Friends Part: I
Success. What is it? How can we measure it?
Is it happiness? Maybe, but I know (of) plenty of lunatic homeless people that are quite happy with their urine-soaked lives. Is it wealth? (refer to same homeless people). Is it when everyone admits that you are better than them? Probably.
I might not be able to make you rich (except for any young ladies I promised I would make a star. You're gonna be a star I tell ya!) And I certainly can't make anyone happy, but If you follow these simple steps, It will definitely let people know who has, and IS, the biggest dick in the room.
FASHION
Always over-dress, unless expected to. Going to a Superbowl party? Tuxedo. Your daughter's wedding? Hawaiian T-Shirt. When questioned about the former say: "I'm sorry you don't own a tuxedo, but that's a problem for over-worked child slaves in Indonesia, not me." When questioned about the latter: "I'm sorry that my comfort makes you uncomfortable. Would you like the number of a good shrink?"
Whenever possible, carry a pocket watch. This will let people know what time it is (literally), and people will be so surprised at your donning of one, that they will assume that you own at least a few railroads, maybe even a utility.
Tie your necktie into the biggest knot imaginable. See how big those retired football players on TV have their knots? They just scream success. Ever see someone sportin' some weak-ass half Windsor knot stickin' his head out the top of a stretch limo full of high-class tail? Even politicians prone to this kind of behavior have at least a single Windsor to go with their miniature American flag lapel pin.
Try to get a haircut every week. You want people to view you as an unchanging pillar of success. You are a robot whose perfect hair doesn't grow because you are too god-damn-busy to allow it to. When getting these haircuts, first of all, refuse to wait. Losers hangout at barber shops all day, and you don't want successful people to smell loser on you, or they won't take you back into the nest. It is best to just have a young, naive girl that doesn't speak English just come to the house. When your hair begins to fall out? Easy; just Bic your head a la Bruce Willis, grow out a beard, and work out your abs. You'll look like Jeff Bridges from Iron Man, (but with better abs) and who's gonna tell me that guy isn't successful? (but with better abs).
HEALTH
Health is very important to being successful. Health, or more accurately, the illusion of health. If people think you take care of yourself arduously, then they have a better chance of believing that you will take care of their money, property, and daughter(s).
Be seen eating a light lunch, all the while spilling little word gems like, "Antioxidants", "Omega 3", "Amino acids", "Riboflavin" and "Isotopes". People will be discouraged from asking you questions about it, and just assume that you are on some super "path to success" type of diet.
Spend as much time in the gym as possible. Get there early, and stay there late, but by no means no much exercising. Instead, just hangout in the locker room all day so people see you there and assume you just finished your Spartan workout. Go to the gym around 7am to shower, shave, and dress before work. The poor bastards that haven't read this blog and are showing up to workout will think you've been there since the crack of dawn, and will know that you are better than them.
Play one of the following sports reasonably well, with the knowledge that some of these are better than others. You need to play at least one of these sports enough to bring it up in conversation. Also, you played Lacrosse in college.
Golf > Jai Alai > Fencing* > Tennis > Racquetball > Polo*
* Fencing and Polo get a special mention here because they are so obscure that no one will ever ask to play with you. Golf on the other hand, you actually have to know your shit about.
Still to come: Dining, Lifestyle, and Miscellaneous.
Is it happiness? Maybe, but I know (of) plenty of lunatic homeless people that are quite happy with their urine-soaked lives. Is it wealth? (refer to same homeless people). Is it when everyone admits that you are better than them? Probably.
I might not be able to make you rich (except for any young ladies I promised I would make a star. You're gonna be a star I tell ya!) And I certainly can't make anyone happy, but If you follow these simple steps, It will definitely let people know who has, and IS, the biggest dick in the room.
FASHION
Always over-dress, unless expected to. Going to a Superbowl party? Tuxedo. Your daughter's wedding? Hawaiian T-Shirt. When questioned about the former say: "I'm sorry you don't own a tuxedo, but that's a problem for over-worked child slaves in Indonesia, not me." When questioned about the latter: "I'm sorry that my comfort makes you uncomfortable. Would you like the number of a good shrink?"
Whenever possible, carry a pocket watch. This will let people know what time it is (literally), and people will be so surprised at your donning of one, that they will assume that you own at least a few railroads, maybe even a utility.
Tie your necktie into the biggest knot imaginable. See how big those retired football players on TV have their knots? They just scream success. Ever see someone sportin' some weak-ass half Windsor knot stickin' his head out the top of a stretch limo full of high-class tail? Even politicians prone to this kind of behavior have at least a single Windsor to go with their miniature American flag lapel pin.
Try to get a haircut every week. You want people to view you as an unchanging pillar of success. You are a robot whose perfect hair doesn't grow because you are too god-damn-busy to allow it to. When getting these haircuts, first of all, refuse to wait. Losers hangout at barber shops all day, and you don't want successful people to smell loser on you, or they won't take you back into the nest. It is best to just have a young, naive girl that doesn't speak English just come to the house. When your hair begins to fall out? Easy; just Bic your head a la Bruce Willis, grow out a beard, and work out your abs. You'll look like Jeff Bridges from Iron Man, (but with better abs) and who's gonna tell me that guy isn't successful? (but with better abs).
HEALTH
Health is very important to being successful. Health, or more accurately, the illusion of health. If people think you take care of yourself arduously, then they have a better chance of believing that you will take care of their money, property, and daughter(s).
Be seen eating a light lunch, all the while spilling little word gems like, "Antioxidants", "Omega 3", "Amino acids", "Riboflavin" and "Isotopes". People will be discouraged from asking you questions about it, and just assume that you are on some super "path to success" type of diet.
Spend as much time in the gym as possible. Get there early, and stay there late, but by no means no much exercising. Instead, just hangout in the locker room all day so people see you there and assume you just finished your Spartan workout. Go to the gym around 7am to shower, shave, and dress before work. The poor bastards that haven't read this blog and are showing up to workout will think you've been there since the crack of dawn, and will know that you are better than them.
Play one of the following sports reasonably well, with the knowledge that some of these are better than others. You need to play at least one of these sports enough to bring it up in conversation. Also, you played Lacrosse in college.
Golf > Jai Alai > Fencing* > Tennis > Racquetball > Polo*
* Fencing and Polo get a special mention here because they are so obscure that no one will ever ask to play with you. Golf on the other hand, you actually have to know your shit about.
Still to come: Dining, Lifestyle, and Miscellaneous.
1.16.2011
24 Hour Energy
Only a few years ago, there was no such thing as an energy drink. The only things comparable were coffee and tea. Their modest caffeine content made them the go-to beverages to start one's day, or for that afternoon pick-me-up that most of us need.
Just about every aspect of humans today was better in previous generations. Evolution and technology have crippled us all.
One of the many handicaps that many of us have adopted is a lack of energy and a craving for an easy solution.
One of the many sad facts of those still living generations, is that the majority of us don't work as hard, but have less energy than our forebearers.
Whereas the previous generation would labor for almost every hour of daylight, for only a hot meal and a few hours of pipe smoking, my generation will show up late to an eight our shift, take a two hour lunch break, and strike if they don't get a few smoke breaks in between; all the while pounding Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, and espresso (breath). I am utterly exhausted after writing that sentence. Feel free to take five, and then finish reading this post.
My generation depends on any of hundreds of energy drinks, thriving in a billion-dollar market. These drinks are a far cry from the coffee and tea our ancestors drank. Our drinks are packed with not only caffeine, but all kinds of vitamins, and exotic roots & herbs that would otherwise remain obscure.
Not only do these drinks create a dependence on them, but they wreck our insides. Our brains, hearts, and kidneys could allow us to live to be a hundred years old, if we don't poison them with such drinks. Unfortunately, it is the teenagers that embrace the energy drink industry, dooming them to an unhealthy addiction, and life of energy levels rising, then crashing for every conscious hour.
I'm not saying that I'll never drink another Red Bull, but I will try to opt for a splash of cold water to the face, or a good old cup of joe if need be, before I open the "energy cooler" at 7-Eleven. Afterall, am I not my father's son?
Just about every aspect of humans today was better in previous generations. Evolution and technology have crippled us all.
One of the many handicaps that many of us have adopted is a lack of energy and a craving for an easy solution.
One of the many sad facts of those still living generations, is that the majority of us don't work as hard, but have less energy than our forebearers.
Whereas the previous generation would labor for almost every hour of daylight, for only a hot meal and a few hours of pipe smoking, my generation will show up late to an eight our shift, take a two hour lunch break, and strike if they don't get a few smoke breaks in between; all the while pounding Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, and espresso (breath). I am utterly exhausted after writing that sentence. Feel free to take five, and then finish reading this post.
My generation depends on any of hundreds of energy drinks, thriving in a billion-dollar market. These drinks are a far cry from the coffee and tea our ancestors drank. Our drinks are packed with not only caffeine, but all kinds of vitamins, and exotic roots & herbs that would otherwise remain obscure.
Not only do these drinks create a dependence on them, but they wreck our insides. Our brains, hearts, and kidneys could allow us to live to be a hundred years old, if we don't poison them with such drinks. Unfortunately, it is the teenagers that embrace the energy drink industry, dooming them to an unhealthy addiction, and life of energy levels rising, then crashing for every conscious hour.
I'm not saying that I'll never drink another Red Bull, but I will try to opt for a splash of cold water to the face, or a good old cup of joe if need be, before I open the "energy cooler" at 7-Eleven. Afterall, am I not my father's son?
1.05.2011
Facebook Interests and the Young Man
If you're reading this, then you have or HAD a facebook account. On facebook, you no doubt have come across common interests on people's profiles. I am here to explain a few of these popular interests, and what they actually mean about the young man on whose profile they appear. The first statement is what they want to you think, and the second is what they really mean.
Drinking:
"I like to have a good time, and relax a little. I can be a real fun person to let loose with."
"I drink voluminous amounts of light/lite beer, and/or cheap liquor. I will even do this on a Tuesday afternoon, and have no idea what is in a Singapore Sling."
Meeting People:
"I find people really interesting. There are so many people out there, all with unique stories to share."
"Usually while engaging in interest #1, I like to approach moderately attractive females, and wait for an awkward pause in their ramblings before making out, and hopefully sleeping with them on a pile of dirty laundry."
Working Out/Going to the Gym:
"I'm in really good shape. Really. You should wonder how much I bench press."
"I like to look at myself in the mirror at the gym. When not doing this, I like to pretend I'm not comparing myself to other guys at the gym. I will waste 80% of my time "working out" giving unsolicited advice to other, smaller, gym goers."
Playing the Guitar:
"I am talented, and am going places. You could go places too, if you are seen with me."
"I find carrying my guitar around to as many places as possible, hoping someone takes a picture of me holding it, to be totally worth the burden."
Traveling:
"I'm a world-fucking-traveler. I have been places. I like to hold excluding conversations about places I've been with other world travelers. You could learn a lot from me."
"I prefer to go on vacation someplace warm, to not going on vacation someplace warm. I took one good trip somewhere, and if you ask me about it, I won't shut up."
God/Jesus:
"I'm saved."
"I feel guilty a lot."
Laughing:
"I make people laugh, and am generally found to be enjoyable company for this reason."
"I am capable of laughing, but am not very funny myself. If you are a guy that is funnier than me, I might laugh at what you say, but will secretly despise you for stealing attention away from me."
Networking:
"I am really interested in meeting new people, so that we can form mutually beneficial relationships to further our careers."
"I will spend hours of my day scouring facebook for cleavage pics."
Reading:
"I am pretty interesting. If you want to talk Victorian-era literature, I'm your man."
"I have read The Outsiders for a class once, and found it pretty enjoyable. I'm told that I will find other books to be equally as enjoyable, but I prefer to watch T.V. and just carry around a copy of On The Road when I ride the subway."
Beerpong:
"Beerpong"
"Beerpong"
Family:
"There is nothing more important to me than family. I hope to someday have a family of my own."
"I have a large, unavoidable family."
Dancing:
"I might salsa, I might tango, I might foxtrot, you'll just have to ask!"
"I find that gyrating on a dance floor near, or on women, helps me get laid."
Food:
"I'm just like you; I like a scoop of ice cream every once in awhile, its OK to like food."
"I am not a robot, and require caloric sustenance. I do like to eat, and might even be overweight, but won't forgive you if you are."
Movies:
"I'm quite a film buff. What me to explain what film noir means? Because, I know."
"I prefer to sit around in my greek letter sweatpants and watch the creative adventures of other people, rather than seek out some of my own."
OR
"I could make it in ShowBiz if someone would just read my screenplay."
Hanging out/chillin' with friends:
"I have friends, and we like to take it easy sometimes. We'll laugh, and have interesting conversations, and time will just slip away."
"I don't really have too many hobbies that take away from the time I devote to sitting on my ass. I have a few friends that share the same few hobbies as me, and we make a half-assed attempt at enjoying them together before we sit around and drink light/lite beer and feel sorry about women we haven't slept with."
Peace:
"Give it a chance."
"I am in college, or have recently graduated, and have yet to find a job. I also think women prefer peace to war, and assume it is in my best interest to also like peace."
Music:
"I celebrate all genres of music, and my favorite band is so underground that they have yet to exist."
"I have an iPOD."
Drinking:
"I like to have a good time, and relax a little. I can be a real fun person to let loose with."
"I drink voluminous amounts of light/lite beer, and/or cheap liquor. I will even do this on a Tuesday afternoon, and have no idea what is in a Singapore Sling."
Meeting People:
"I find people really interesting. There are so many people out there, all with unique stories to share."
"Usually while engaging in interest #1, I like to approach moderately attractive females, and wait for an awkward pause in their ramblings before making out, and hopefully sleeping with them on a pile of dirty laundry."
Working Out/Going to the Gym:
"I'm in really good shape. Really. You should wonder how much I bench press."
"I like to look at myself in the mirror at the gym. When not doing this, I like to pretend I'm not comparing myself to other guys at the gym. I will waste 80% of my time "working out" giving unsolicited advice to other, smaller, gym goers."
Playing the Guitar:
"I am talented, and am going places. You could go places too, if you are seen with me."
"I find carrying my guitar around to as many places as possible, hoping someone takes a picture of me holding it, to be totally worth the burden."
Traveling:
"I'm a world-fucking-traveler. I have been places. I like to hold excluding conversations about places I've been with other world travelers. You could learn a lot from me."
"I prefer to go on vacation someplace warm, to not going on vacation someplace warm. I took one good trip somewhere, and if you ask me about it, I won't shut up."
God/Jesus:
"I'm saved."
"I feel guilty a lot."
Laughing:
"I make people laugh, and am generally found to be enjoyable company for this reason."
"I am capable of laughing, but am not very funny myself. If you are a guy that is funnier than me, I might laugh at what you say, but will secretly despise you for stealing attention away from me."
Networking:
"I am really interested in meeting new people, so that we can form mutually beneficial relationships to further our careers."
"I will spend hours of my day scouring facebook for cleavage pics."
Reading:
"I am pretty interesting. If you want to talk Victorian-era literature, I'm your man."
"I have read The Outsiders for a class once, and found it pretty enjoyable. I'm told that I will find other books to be equally as enjoyable, but I prefer to watch T.V. and just carry around a copy of On The Road when I ride the subway."
Beerpong:
"Beerpong"
"Beerpong"
Family:
"There is nothing more important to me than family. I hope to someday have a family of my own."
"I have a large, unavoidable family."
Dancing:
"I might salsa, I might tango, I might foxtrot, you'll just have to ask!"
"I find that gyrating on a dance floor near, or on women, helps me get laid."
Food:
"I'm just like you; I like a scoop of ice cream every once in awhile, its OK to like food."
"I am not a robot, and require caloric sustenance. I do like to eat, and might even be overweight, but won't forgive you if you are."
Movies:
"I'm quite a film buff. What me to explain what film noir means? Because, I know."
"I prefer to sit around in my greek letter sweatpants and watch the creative adventures of other people, rather than seek out some of my own."
OR
"I could make it in ShowBiz if someone would just read my screenplay."
Hanging out/chillin' with friends:
"I have friends, and we like to take it easy sometimes. We'll laugh, and have interesting conversations, and time will just slip away."
"I don't really have too many hobbies that take away from the time I devote to sitting on my ass. I have a few friends that share the same few hobbies as me, and we make a half-assed attempt at enjoying them together before we sit around and drink light/lite beer and feel sorry about women we haven't slept with."
Peace:
"Give it a chance."
"I am in college, or have recently graduated, and have yet to find a job. I also think women prefer peace to war, and assume it is in my best interest to also like peace."
Music:
"I celebrate all genres of music, and my favorite band is so underground that they have yet to exist."
"I have an iPOD."
1.03.2011
OrlanDO and OrlanDON'T
I probably fall into the perfect demographic of immunity to Disney magic; I'm a 24 year old, middle-class male. Evidence of this immunity became apparent after a recent trip to Orlando with my girlfriend Jessica's family. Whereas Disney World is considered to be "The Happiest Place on Earth" I would have found the front seat of my rental car, parked in the Sneezy 96 parking lot to be a happier place, for most of the day we spent at Magic Kingdom. December 30th is one of the WORST days to go to Disney World, as it turns out. People from all over the world pack themselves into lines up to and over three hours long, to get chance at two minutes of moderate enjoyment on one of these rides.
I spent most of the day in a sort of deep meditation, removing myself from the endless boredom of lines by becoming almost cathartic. When I did take the time to look around, I wondered what could possess people of all ages, genders, and nationalities, to travel halfway around the world to push through crowds and wait in queue to spend $7.00 on a Lemonade, then wait in another line just to piss it back out. To me, nothing was worth this kind of torment; especially considering how much you spend to gain entry into these parks.
It wasn't until the firework show at the end of the night that I started to notice why everyone was there. Children were walking around with Mickey Mouse ears on, senior citizens wore Disney wrist watches, little girls wore Disney princess dresses, and everyone was mesmerized by the glowing lights of the Magic Kingdom Castle, as it stood before the fireworks exploding in the sky. You could see the magic on all of the children's faces, they were under a spell. When something as harmless and family enjoyable as Disney is, it is hard for parents to avoid it. Whether they make the trek to Disney World, or just put in a Disney movie to silence their screaming toddlers, parents can depend of Disney magic to see their children pleased. The children love the magic, and the parents love to see their children's faces. The rest of us, we just try to remember a times when we didn't know how much of a mark up they were selling that Lemonade at, or how foolish were are for waiting in these lines. We try to push those truths out of our minds, and try to remember when we too were under a little Disney magic, when we didn't need to understand the difference between magic and reality, but only pleasure and pain.
Though I still don't see myself braving a trip to Disney World any time soon, I understand now why we all need a little Disney, after all.
I spent most of the day in a sort of deep meditation, removing myself from the endless boredom of lines by becoming almost cathartic. When I did take the time to look around, I wondered what could possess people of all ages, genders, and nationalities, to travel halfway around the world to push through crowds and wait in queue to spend $7.00 on a Lemonade, then wait in another line just to piss it back out. To me, nothing was worth this kind of torment; especially considering how much you spend to gain entry into these parks.
It wasn't until the firework show at the end of the night that I started to notice why everyone was there. Children were walking around with Mickey Mouse ears on, senior citizens wore Disney wrist watches, little girls wore Disney princess dresses, and everyone was mesmerized by the glowing lights of the Magic Kingdom Castle, as it stood before the fireworks exploding in the sky. You could see the magic on all of the children's faces, they were under a spell. When something as harmless and family enjoyable as Disney is, it is hard for parents to avoid it. Whether they make the trek to Disney World, or just put in a Disney movie to silence their screaming toddlers, parents can depend of Disney magic to see their children pleased. The children love the magic, and the parents love to see their children's faces. The rest of us, we just try to remember a times when we didn't know how much of a mark up they were selling that Lemonade at, or how foolish were are for waiting in these lines. We try to push those truths out of our minds, and try to remember when we too were under a little Disney magic, when we didn't need to understand the difference between magic and reality, but only pleasure and pain.
Though I still don't see myself braving a trip to Disney World any time soon, I understand now why we all need a little Disney, after all.
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