The Urban House-Man

I have a new respect for stay-at-home anyone. Since Jessica and I moved to the Windy City, she has been closer to work, and I have been without it. Until I begin working, my role in this household is clear- I am the House-Man. The following is a glimpse into this life.

One thing that is certain, is the days are not all filled with watching ESPN shirtless, eating french onion dip with a spoon. No, before the House-Man can relax, there are chores to be done.

We start the day at 6:00A Fuckin' M, with 30 minutes of exercise in the fitness room down the hall from our apartment. It is important to use this time efficiently, as it is all the time you will have to exercise and it is your duty to stay in decent shape for the pleasure of your bread-winning lover.

Following your workout together, it is time to make breakfast while she showers her beautiful naked body. Eggs how she likes them, fruit-of-the-day, and some sort of toasted bread. This is all washed down with freshly-squeezed OJ and either tea or coffee. Only after breakfast is ready are you allowed to shower, but rapidly, as your next responsibility is to walk her to the bus stop to keep her company before seeing her on the bus and waving vigorously as it departs. You might even have to run back to the apartment to retrieve the engagement ring she took of while showering, only to arrive back at the bus stop just in time to watch the bus pulling away while you hold the ring stretched out running, ultimately looking like a fool who not only planned to propose to someone at a Chicago bus stop, but did so wearing flip-flops and an ACDC shirt... and failed.

Once alone in the apartment, you have to resist two urges: Going back to bed, and vigorously masturbating (a rare treat). It is time instead to begin you list of household chores. Here is an example of one such list...

Swiffer Wet-Jet the floor (Whatever that is)
Put together her shoe rack
Windex what seems like every surface in the apartment ("Just because you can still see your reflection, doesn't mean it's clean")
Water, and therefore keep alive, the plant her ex-boyfriend bought her while she was in the hospital years ago
Do laundry (But not the delicates- don't expect to be trusted with those for years)
Do the dishes (Constantly)
Drink 7-8 cups of coffee
Look for a job you fucking bum
Get a haircut you fucking hippy
Clean the stove
Clean the vents
Organize the medicine cabinet in a way that allows her enough space
Walk to local Jewel wheeling your Go-Green personal shopping cart and buy necessary items for evening meal
Make evening meal

You should clean up both yourself and the apartment before she arrives home, as you want to look your best for her. She has had a long, stressful day and deserves to come home to a cocktail and a smile, without any added distractions like dust on the picture frames. Do not bore her with a lengthy explanation of your day, but instead invite her to tell you about hers, and do your best to appear engrossed in the mundane.

Now, you expect her home anytime between 5:30 and 6:30pm, so this makes timing of the dinner incredibly difficult. Whatever the case, if she is later than expected and her dinner is cold, she has every right to beat you with a scalding hot Microwaveable Bed Buddy, and you should expect no mercy.

You will have no time to nurse your burn/bruised skin however, because next comes her back rub and evening banter. Again, let her guide the conversation, and don't forget to work those knots between her third and fourth vertebrae.

After brushing her hair three-hundred times, the day is finally done, and you can "rest" in bed before sweet, sweet slumber. Your dreams will be that of finding a job and escaping this toil. They will however be only dreams. After all, you're just a House-Man.