The Urban House-Man on Strike

By now you're familiar with the normal routine of the Urban House-Man. Let's take a look at a day of the UHM on strike...

After the alarm goes off at 6:00AM, take advantage of her sleepy state and convince her to let the both of you sleep in until 7, skipping the workout.

Make breakfast consisting of back bacon and frosted cherry Jewel brand "Toaster Pastries".

Avoid walking her to the bus stop by complaining about your low arches hurting.

Once alone, briefly consider taking out the garbage, then rejecting the idea in favor of going back to bed.

Wake up again at 10:20AM

Spend 70 minutes Watching a satellite being repaired, live on the NASA channel (NASA has a channel!?)

Restrain yourself from opening a bottle of wine at 11:00AM.

Open and smell each and every one of her lotions, shampoos, conditioners, balms, soaps, and anything that reads "eau de toilette" on the bottle.

Open a bottle of wine at 11:25AM.

Eat one bag of marshmallows, one box of Reduced Fat Cheez-Itz, and three of her "special" yogurts.

Drink four Vitamin Waters, one of each flavor you have, saving Revive for last.

Watch the same SportsCenter, over and over, finally quoting most of the program.

Scour Facebook for cleavage pictures, even though a universe of naked pictures and video is at your fingertips.

Sit down to play Angry Birds, trying to get three stars in each level, all of which you've already beaten (You realize why this is especially pathetic don't you? Most people play games on their phones in waiting rooms and on buses, but I'm sitting down in my comfy chair for a home-court session)

Take a bubble bath in your jacuzzi tub, using "Almost ALL of the dish soap". (I don't know why the bathtub in our small apartment is a jacuzzi tub, but I haven't written to complain about it yet)

Have a nice long B.M. :)

Make a trip out back to recycle empty bottle of wine, so as to discard to evidence.

Re-heat leftovers, and leave them in the microwave. Forget that they are there for four hours. She comes home to find them, now cold. Tell her you were stricken with diarrhea all day, and only now had the confidence to leave the bathroom to make dinner, but just managed to put some leftovers in the microwave when she walked in. She then feels sorry for you, and heats up your dinner.

Silently applaud yourself for having gotten away with an utterly worthless day, and for fabricating such a great story about dinner.

Go to bed "knowing" that this day won't be held over your head for the rest of your life.