Why I Enjoy Being a Boy

Albright and some Korean guy

Jessica came home tonight from a conference where she heard some old hen named Madeline Albright speak.Well, she came away from this experience fully-charged with female motivation and the idea that woman have to work harder for what they get out of life than men do. Yes, they do- I'm not going to argue about that. It did get me thinking though; specifically about how much it rules the world to be a man. Aside from the making more money, and having a bigger penis than most women, these are the things that I most enjoy about being a boy...

  

DISCLAIMER: I don't think boys are better than girls, I just think it's the right fit for me. If you're offended by any of what I've written, then you don't know me and/or are on a sex-change waiting list.

Pro Sports- Theoretically, women competing against women should be equally as entertaining as male sports. Two opposing sides will compete, and one will win. However, the three people present at a WNBA game can tell you that this simply isn't the case. Not that I'm not a fan of girl-on-girl, but people still want to see the fastest, strongest and most aggressive athletes, and those are men. Though I am obviously not one, I was very happy fantasizing about growing up to become a professional athlete. I would have to imagine it is different for a girl whose parents can't get her to, "put down that damn ball and brush your hair!"


Peeing Standing Up- Cliche'? Yes. Whatever the case, I love it. Girls can be standing up too, but it doesn't look pretty. Men, having a built-in hose, can enjoy using it to soak all manner of things with their urine, well into adulthood. Things I have peed on/in include, but are certainly not limited to: Homes, sinks, campfires, signs, vegetation, streets, dumpsters, pools (not limited to boys, but boy have I) bottles, cans, water balloons, and my pants. I hope to one day pee on a friend that is stung by a jellyfish. Or, a jellyfish.

Being Strong- I'm a fuckin' man, alright? I open pickle jars, kill spiders, carry heavy shit, fight off critters & all kinds of ne'er-do-wells. I like it. Can a woman kill a spider? Maybe. Can a woman open a pickle jar? I doubt it. Some women are stronger than men, true. But this entire blog is based on grand generalizations. Some "women" have penises too.

No Complicated Clothes- It is so easy to dress oneself when you're a man, that it surprises me when I can't do it. Women's clothing is even more complicated. I sometimes find mulling over the prospect of buying a new sweater to be exhausting. I can't even imagine having to shop as a woman. Women have all of the same kinds of clothing that men do- pants, jeans, tees; even suits- and then some. They've also got all kinds of crazy shit that doesn't easily fall into the category of top, bottom, socks and underwear (the man's checklist before leaving the house). Ask a man what a shrug is and he will likely say an awesome trap workout; ask a woman and she may suggest it is some kind of garment. What the hell is a camisole? A midi? And don't even get me started on shoes. (oh my God)

Not Getting Pregnant- This is like the timeless "it sucks to be a girl" trump card. The no drinking or smoking alone is a giant bummer...

JESSICA

When I'm pregnant, could you please not get drunk in front of me all the time?

SAM

I'll quit drinking all together when you're pregnant. (!)

[Months Later]

SAM

Did I say I wouldn't drink at all while you're pregnant, or just not in front of you?

JESSICA

You said you wouldn't drink at all.

SAM

Doesn't sound like something I'd say.

JESSICA

That's what you said. I was surprised. 

SAM 

I must have been drunk...

In addition to the no-having-fun-while-pregnant clause, I've read things about the actual birthing itself. I've read that there is poo. I've read that woman can literally shit the bed during childbirth. This means that my first child could fall out of there and land face-first into a pill of excrement before even taking their first breath. I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Luckily, most women shit rosebuds*

Heroes- Dogs can be heroes, even a cat. But, most of whom fit the "please save my baby" type of hero I've grown up loving are men; masculine, masculine, men. Similar to the pro athlete dream, I think it is easier to grow up thinking you might lead a cavalry charge  to save the fuckin' day if you were born with testicles (sans vagina). 

Oldin' Me Pop- Men can drink more than women. Forget that scene from Indiana Jones when Karen Allen drinks every guy under the table after rounds and rounds of whiskey. Fuck that, wouldn't happen. There is some science behind this too- something to do with enzymes women have in their stomachs (women also have four stomachs...or is that cows? I might be getting myself into some hot water here..) Again, some women can really guzzle the sauce, and some men are two beer queers; but in general, there aren't many women I know that can drink their body weight in domestic beer and still stand. On the other hand, I have eight men that do regularly, standing up in my wedding.

Getting To Sit In the Emergency Exit Seat- Once, when I was a young lad, we took a trip to Florida by way of aeroplane. This was my first flying experience, but I don't really remember gazing out the window for the first time. What DID stick with me was when a stewardess said I couldn't sit in  the seat next to the emergency exit door because a grown-ass man had to. In that moment, as my Dad and I switched seats, I wanted nothing more than to grow to be a man ( ... ) As you are supposed to be able to dead-lift 50lbs. to qualify for the responsibility of an exit seat, I think being a man gives me more years of this privilege and added leg room, even  though I won't live as long. 

Being Proud Of Large Bowel Movements.

*- Women don't actually poo (unless you're into that kinda thing)