DMV = Not For Me

I know It isn't a secret that the DMV is supposed to suck. I however, was recently there for the first time since college, and gots some thoughts on it.


The last time I went to a DMV, it was in Macomb, my senior year of college. The experience there is very different than any other DMV experience I've ever heard about. You walk in, talk to one of two pleasant old people working there, and walk out with whatever you came for in a matter of minutes. A Chicago DMV is almost unrecognizable to a person coming from that kind of experience.

First off, they are massive. I was lucky enough to have the chance to go at 11AM on a Tuesday [Read: Blew off wine-sales appointments] and it still looked crowded to me. Though I guess crowded is relative to the maximum occupancy of the place. I'm sure if you asked one of the many characters that work there, they would tell you that the place was slower than an Amish drag race. Indeed, I had to weave my way through a maze of ropes in each of the five lines I stood in, leading me to believe that the place normally looked like a slaughterhouse.

Most of the people that work there are rightfully surly; they have to deal with a never-ending line of idiots asking the same questions, everyday. On this day, I felt like I was some kind of Mensa-worthy genius for being able to navigate my way though the lines and tests required of me. I seemed to be one of the few...

At the vision test, a woman that looked old enough to have attended the Chicago World's Fair was trying to renew her license, for I would hope the last time. She didn't seem to know what was going on, and her husband of probably eight decades and her two grown children came out to see it done. The party mentioned was probably dreading her failing, meaning they would have to take turns driving her to bunko games and mass everyday.

DMV ATTENDANT

Can you read line five?

OLD LADY

Line five? Is that the one with the letters or numbers on it?

DMV ATTENDANT

It will have both letters and numbers on it.

OLD LADY

Li...line..fi...five? What? I don't see a line five.

DMV ATTENDANT

Ma'm, line five is the fifth row from the top. Can you read me the letters and numbers you see there?

OLD LADY

(Seeming genuinely surprised that someone would expect her to be able to read this line five)

What? Noooo, I can't read that!

Her family wasn't convinced, and they demanded she be given another exam. So, she was dragged off to wait in a line for said exam, most likely under the impression she was being tested to serve in the nursing corps... like all the other gals... to do her part to fight the Nazis.

I certainly hope they have robot cars by the time I'm old, because I don't want my kids to force me to get a drivers license, just so they don't have to drive me anywhere. This poor woman could have been banging Henry Ford back in her time, but now she just wants to go home to listen to her radio program.

The testing area for renewing (or in the case of most of the people around me, getting their first) was filled with foreigners. When I walked up, the woman asked me very slowly if I would be testing in Polish. A good guess, I'll give her that. In perfect English I responded, "English". 

The written test required to hold a valid driver's license in the state of Illinois is a joke. It is a short, true/false and multiple choice, waste of time. The questions themselves are either so easy you think you're crazy, or so confusing that you wonder why of all the things to put on this test, they chose this question.

EXAMPLE:

When a person that is blind, with a white cane or seeing eye dog, enters an intersection, you should:

A) Yield to the right of way

B) Increase speed to quickly pass them

C) Maintain speed, but alert them of your presence by honking twice

Are you fucking kidding me? I would expect this kind of question on a psychological examination to determine if  a person is insane, not if they could operate an automobile. 

There is also a question about a funeral procession. What to do if you encounter a funeral procession? Who gives a shit? I've probably wondered that one time in my life while behind the wheel. They chose this question to test applicants with, but the words "Ice", "Skid", and "Avoid" do not make a single appearance in any of these twenty questions.

I also answered "True" to every true/false question, and seriously reconsidered one answer just because I thought no one would ever make a true/false test where every question's correct answer was "True". Well, it looks like the state of Illinois is more concerned that their licensed drivers can read English, more-so than actually drive safely.

I left with a photo of what I would call the fattest face I've ever made, thinking, "It could be worse."