1.) What the fuck happened to that hat? It was an awesome hat, and I didn't have it long enough. I don't even remember where I could have lost it. I just remember one day not having it. You've lost a similar hat, I know. I just need some closure. If it turned out someone stole it, fine. I just need to know, but no one alive could ever tell me.
2.) What the fuck is that noise that comes from upstairs? It sounds like any of the following: Someone typing on a keyboard at an impossibly loud volume; rats wearing thimbles on their feed and running around; someone opening up a chip bag again, at an impossibly loud volume. Sometimes when I stand up to try and pinpoint the noise, it stops. It is too loud to be an animal (unless their wearing thimbles) and I'm completely befuddled. I spend way too much time thinking about it. I shouldn't even be writing about it, because now I'm gonna think about it all day again...
3.) Jordon Vs. LeBron. Both in their prime. One-on-One. Make-it-take-it. Up to 50. THEN the '98 Bulls Vs. the 2010 Heat in a best of 7 series, just to be thorough in deciding who I should name my pet kangaroo after.
4.) What happened to that Bears sweater? It was the same one that Mike Ditka used to wear, and It was the best thrift store find ever. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend $2.00 (Yes). The last time I saw it, I loaned it to a buddy of mine in a frat. BUT, I distinctly remember getting it back. Perhaps he just stole it back knowing that I wouldn't assume it was him because he had just returned it. If so, that is the most brilliant scheme anyone in a frat has ever come up with. I need to look this guy up...
5.) Where will Voyager I & II end up? Maybe it is the geek in me, but I see no reason why God wouldn't know this. It fascinates the shit outta me that these hunks of metal are catapulting through the galaxy full of interesting shit to be found. .http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
6.) Why do people think their own farts smell good? Seriously. I've done research (PERHAPS time could be spent more wisely) and no one on the Internet seems to have the answer. They all just say that farts don't smell good, or that if two people smell the same fart and both think it was theirs (impossible) that they would both like it. Perhaps the secret to world peace lies somewhere in this riddle. Academics of the world, I implore you...
7. ) Who keeps moving the garbage can in the men's bathroom at work? I keep moving it back, every time but some ass keeps putting it under the soap dispenser, getting liquid soap all over the top of the lid. I've asked everyone, and they all deny it. There is a good chance that I may not need the question answered, as finding out who does this would result in my being lethally injected by the state of Illinois (once the moratorium is lifted) at which time I may be asking the devil the rest of these questions.
8.) How the hell did Stonehenge come to be? I mean, I know people have speculated about this forever, but really now. Though I'd love to know the answer, if there is a limit to questions I get to ask, this one will get the ax. I might just hope that the guy ahead of me in the Q&A line that I'm expecting in heaven asks this, and I can just overhear the answer. I also hope that that answer is Aliens so moved by the Chuck Berry they found on Voyager, that they went BACK IN TIME to build a monument to him. And there you have it, full circle.
9.) Has the smelly girl from the exercise room of my building EVER taken a shower? I can't wrap my head around how a normal-looking 100 lbs. blonde makes the weight room smell so bad she locks the door just to deter people (who have a key) from entering. I lost my vision the first time I walked in on her, and nearly lost consciousness. Luckily, I steadied myself enough to avoid what would probably be a devastating head injury. I could never ask her; it would crush her, I'm sure. I really want to bond with someone over just how bad she smells, but I never see anyone else in there when she is there. Most likely, every fit and active person in the building has either ponied up the money to join a real gym, or altered their work schedules so as to avoid the hour she is stinking the place up.
10.) Just what am I getting from a "Permanent Press" wash cycle that I can't from any other? I suppose I could look this up, but I hope I'm dead before I have to do laundry again.
RUNNER UP: What did that guy that lived upstairs from me in college look like? From the sounds of it, he enjoyed all kinds of tail. I just wanna see his face. Show me his FACE!
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