Fantasy Rooms

Jessica and I's wedding venue of choice is a resort in Wisconsin Dells. Not a selling point, but still very fun to think about are the "Fantasy Suites" located on the premises. Daughter of the CEO and our wedding coordinator, Krissy nervously rattled them off in a hurry while we waited for an elevator. I'm pretty sure that she assumed correctly we would make fun of them. So, here goes...

The fantasies our venue are able to fulfill so far are the following: 

Wild West (Tobacco flavored "whiskey" and STD filled brothel included?)
Pirates of the Caribbean (Worms in your food, murder in your sleep, woman-less trial at sea, or the Somalian kind?)
Outer Space (A dark, airless and freezing void?)
Southern Plantation (Before or after 1865?)
African Safari (Ivory isn't just a soap)

Here is a list of suggestions for an expansion of their fantasy suite block:

Firefighter Room- Enter a room engulfed entirely in flames, and do your best to put them out, or your credit card will be charged.

Under the Sea Suite- Submerge your desires to swim with mermaids and seahorses in our 1500 gallon Under the Sea suite. The saltwater tank is kept at a natural 38 degrees fahrenheit all year long. (Mermaids and Seahorses neither included, nor existent...well, maybe seahorses).


Torture Room- Spend the night in one of our "coziest" rooms on site with your choice of any of the following people: Justin Bieber, Kevin Federline, The Arby's Oven Mit, Regis Philbin, Simon Cowell, Dr. Phil, Gilbert Gottfried, Elmo, any of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and any fan of a Philadelphia sports team. Escape is of course impossible, so too is sleep.


Dockside Room- Spend the night as a Longshoreman! Mill about the shoreline chain-smoking with other unemployed shoremen. Later, float your brain in Schlitz and Jim Beam at the dockside bar. If everything goes well, you'll have the cocktail waitress pregnant with your bastard child by night's end.


Single Parent Room- Spend next to no time at all in our Single Parent fantasy suite. Stop by between jobs long enough to rotate babysitters and eat a Lean Pocket. Don't forget, the rent is due on the first, and checkout is at eleven.


Quarantine Room- Enjoy a glimpse into the life of a quarantined pandemic victim.You'll be contained in a sterile, white room complete with glass wall for resort guests to look through onto your awful condition. Attempt to build your strength with three low-calorie meals fed to you through the locked door. Remember that there is no hope of recovery, but the breakfast buffet is free to your mourning family.

Chicago Cubs Room- A variation on the Torture room, sit in suffering of losing season after losing season in our Chicago Cubs themed fantasy room. Only the truly masochist of guests enjoy this room, but book long in advance, as it is always filled.

Crack Den Room-  Invite your friends, friends of friends, and strangers of friends' friends over for a night of using and abusing. Complete with pee-stained mattresses and next to nothing else, our Crack Den fantasy room is worth almost every bit of the $35 a night you'll spend on it.

Sex Slave Suite (Women only)- Perfect for bachelorette parties, share our Sex Slave Suite and complimentary waste bucket with thirteen or fourteen of your best friends. Sit in complete darkness inside the suite, shaped and decorated exactly like a freight container. Cling to hopes of a new life in America, and a husband that will "take care of you".


Feel free to comment with suggestions of your own!