DINING
Refer to all male waitstaff as "my maaaaan (insert friendly variation of name on their tag)."
Refer to all female waitstaff as "dollface, legs, lovely" etc. If you can, try to make uncomfortable references to how you wouldn't mind sleeping with them.
Position yourself at either the head of the table, or at the very least facing the door, but do not sit yet. Always be the last one to sit down at the table, even helping people into their seats. This will show people that you control the tempo; dinner doesn't start until you say it does.
Always order any kind of drink "neat" (i.e. Maker's Mark "neat"). You don't have to know what it means, because most other people, including servers, don't. It works especially well if you say it with a bit of a pause, then emphasis: "Maker's Mark. Neat!" Try ordering a beer this way, and scream in the face of anyone that tells you it doesn't make sense.
When the waitress comes around to take food orders, insist on another round of drinks before anyone can even open their mouth to ask about the specials. Shoo away the waitress before anyone can protest.
When ordering wine, always order the second or third most expensive bottle of wine on the menu, and say something like, "______________ at this price? I wonder how they make a dime!"
At this point, order the souffle. If whatever restaurant you are dining at does not offer souffle, that is your first mistake. After you order, wonder aloud if it will be as good as the ones you used to have in Paris.
Order any cooked piece of cow medium-rare. It shows that you are a risk taker, but that you appreciate good meat enough to know it should not be under OR over done.
If you can, order for at least one other person at the table, against their will.
"Jimmy and I here will both have the porterhouse, medium-rare. Won't we Jimmy?"
LIFESTYLE
Always have an impeccable car, lawn and home. Your hot wife should keep up a rose garden. All your neighbors will understand how much better you are then them, with logic mentioned before: "If he takes care of his lawn this well, he must take care of __________ also as well."
Take a lot of vacations, even, and especially when you do not deserve them. Come back to work tan, even if you just sat around at home watching Golden Girls re-runs. When co-workers ask how your vacation was, simply say: "Ohhh I needed it! I just don't get down there enough." Before they can ask anymore questions (like where you actually went) brush them off as you busily get to work on the things you put off to go on vacation, like you couldn't wait to get back.
Try to be seen reading the newspaper as much as possible. Pick it up when someone is on their way over, or walking to your office. When they enter, act like you're finishing a sentence, then shake your head slowly and say something like: "those goddamn beaurocrats are gonna ruin this country." Then, put down the paper and engage your visitor. It is important for people to at least assume that you have an opinion about world issues.
Smoke cigars, especially in obviously non-smoking areas like hospitals and schools. This will give you that "I do what I want" look, and when approached to put it out, make some quip about you being the last fun person alive. You can also save a lot of cigars this way. If you only take five puffs of a cigar before putting it out, it will last you through many a child birth or parent/teacher conference.
Talk on the phone, or even better BlueTooth, a lot. The conversations can be faked, but should seem incredibly important. When you do make a friendly call, immediately make light-hearted insults: "Brian, you old coose hound, how are ya? I can't believe you're even taking calls after how badly your Knicks lost last night." etc.
Show up about 3 minutes late for everything. This will ensure that everyone is watching you as you enter the room, but you won't be late to the point that people are upset. Most things don't get going until 3 minutes after the start time anyway, minus the obvious (Shuttle launches, solar eclipses, Airplane flights).
Finally, when your hot wife births you an heir, name him something impressive, but always with a "the third" attached to it, even if it doesn't apply. The more successful your family is, the more of you with the same name there will be. So, skip right over the Jr. and go right for III.
There, now your successful life can repeat itself in your offspring, and your legay will never die.
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