Success. What is it? How can we measure it?
Is it happiness? Maybe, but I know (of) plenty of lunatic homeless people that are quite happy with their urine-soaked lives. Is it wealth? (refer to same homeless people). Is it when everyone admits that you are better than them? Probably.
I might not be able to make you rich (except for any young ladies I promised I would make a star. You're gonna be a star I tell ya!) And I certainly can't make anyone happy, but If you follow these simple steps, It will definitely let people know who has, and IS, the biggest dick in the room.
FASHION
Always over-dress, unless expected to. Going to a Superbowl party? Tuxedo. Your daughter's wedding? Hawaiian T-Shirt. When questioned about the former say: "I'm sorry you don't own a tuxedo, but that's a problem for over-worked child slaves in Indonesia, not me." When questioned about the latter: "I'm sorry that my comfort makes you uncomfortable. Would you like the number of a good shrink?"
Whenever possible, carry a pocket watch. This will let people know what time it is (literally), and people will be so surprised at your donning of one, that they will assume that you own at least a few railroads, maybe even a utility.
Tie your necktie into the biggest knot imaginable. See how big those retired football players on TV have their knots? They just scream success. Ever see someone sportin' some weak-ass half Windsor knot stickin' his head out the top of a stretch limo full of high-class tail? Even politicians prone to this kind of behavior have at least a single Windsor to go with their miniature American flag lapel pin.
Try to get a haircut every week. You want people to view you as an unchanging pillar of success. You are a robot whose perfect hair doesn't grow because you are too god-damn-busy to allow it to. When getting these haircuts, first of all, refuse to wait. Losers hangout at barber shops all day, and you don't want successful people to smell loser on you, or they won't take you back into the nest. It is best to just have a young, naive girl that doesn't speak English just come to the house. When your hair begins to fall out? Easy; just Bic your head a la Bruce Willis, grow out a beard, and work out your abs. You'll look like Jeff Bridges from Iron Man, (but with better abs) and who's gonna tell me that guy isn't successful? (but with better abs).
HEALTH
Health is very important to being successful. Health, or more accurately, the illusion of health. If people think you take care of yourself arduously, then they have a better chance of believing that you will take care of their money, property, and daughter(s).
Be seen eating a light lunch, all the while spilling little word gems like, "Antioxidants", "Omega 3", "Amino acids", "Riboflavin" and "Isotopes". People will be discouraged from asking you questions about it, and just assume that you are on some super "path to success" type of diet.
Spend as much time in the gym as possible. Get there early, and stay there late, but by no means no much exercising. Instead, just hangout in the locker room all day so people see you there and assume you just finished your Spartan workout. Go to the gym around 7am to shower, shave, and dress before work. The poor bastards that haven't read this blog and are showing up to workout will think you've been there since the crack of dawn, and will know that you are better than them.
Play one of the following sports reasonably well, with the knowledge that some of these are better than others. You need to play at least one of these sports enough to bring it up in conversation. Also, you played Lacrosse in college.
Golf > Jai Alai > Fencing* > Tennis > Racquetball > Polo*
* Fencing and Polo get a special mention here because they are so obscure that no one will ever ask to play with you. Golf on the other hand, you actually have to know your shit about.
Still to come: Dining, Lifestyle, and Miscellaneous.
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