Monogamy Fever AKA Pizza For Life? Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Plunge

As less people get married, and more of them get divorced (especially for infidelity) I feel it increasingly necessary to voice my opinion on monogamy, only 100 days before I plunge into matrimony for the next 100 years. [Robotics. And yes, that was once sentence]

Asking someone to be monogamous is like asking someone to eat only pizza everyday for the rest of their life. When you're 7, it seems like the best deal ever, but when you've been eating pizza for years and years, even mixing up the toppings can become boring, because after all, it's still pizza. Many people would take this opportunity to skip out for some Chinese or Mexican to get the spice they desire, dishonoring their lifelong commitment to pizza. Pizza would be pissed, if I were talking about a person named pizza, and they should be- you made a commitment. 


That's the whole thing, man- it's a commitment. Even tattoos and pregnancies aren't always permanent anymore, but marriage should be. I think marriage should be for everyone, as long as you're committed. If a guy wants to marry a guy, a woman a woman, or a dog a toaster, as long as it is of legal age (and made by union workers making fair wages) I have no problem with it. There are homosexual relationships that last longer than "Man and Wife" and "Man and Second Wife" combined, that don't have the privilege of being legally married. 


BUT if you asked me for a divorce (if this is my universe, I'd be the one with this power)- I'd tell you to take a long walk of a short pier, OR grant you a divorce, but have a big "D" branded into you arm like something out of the Dark Ages.  Make it damn near impossible to be divorced and the sanctity of marriage will return to our culture. Let heteros that are "serious" about being in love, and their commitment to one another, enter into a "Civil Union" while anyone REALLY serious, like branded on the arm serious, get a giant party thrown for them, and full marital benefits. 


All that said, I'm of course not opposed to dissolving marriages that are toxic, full of abuse, and the likes. However, "Irreconcilable differences" would not include drinking from the milk carton (otherwise, I'd be living at a La Quinta Inn right now). If you want a divorce without the brand of shame, an agent of mine comes to your house, sets up surveillance cameras, watches your every move for months, and then presents the collected data for me to rule on. If your man doesn't want footage of him pissing in the sink drunk (Again, La Quinta) all over the Internet, then he'll knock it the fuck off. If he has been sneaking out to bang you kid's Math tutor, then he'll be branded an adulterer, or knock it the fuck off. I mean, I know people change, but c'mon a little less hair and a lot more flatulence is what makes it a marriage. 


Back to pizza: I love pizza, and pizza loves me. Anyone that thinks married people (especially those with an ocean of testosterone coursing through their veins) don't have carnal desire for other cuisine sometimes, is demented, a penguin, or both.  It is harmless as long as it isn't acted upon, which makes the commitment more sacred. If it were easy to turn off that switch, then being faithful for 60 years of marriage wouldn't be a big deal. As it happens, its a big fucking deal. That's why we eat cake and go to a buffet with the entire family when it happens. Delicious cake. Family.

I know good, good people that are single and shouldn't be. So, when I hear of people cheating and not being the least bit remorseful, it really burns my ass. My buddy on the other end of the bar would kill just to have a girls hand to hold on the reg. and this jagbag is off ruining it for everyone. Sure people slip up sometimes, and if they're forgiven, then they should count themselves among the lucky- like 2011 St. Louis Cardinals lucky. Don't be some weak-ass cheater that ruins his marriage and contributes to ruining the very idea of marriage itself. Whatever made you decide to be monogamous and in a marriage with that special person should give you strength enough to forgo temptation of any kind. I don't know about you, but I'll eat pizza for the rest of my life, as long as it's with her. See what I did there? Now you have no idea what I was talking about. I had a whole bunch of other pizza metaphor lines I didn't use. Like something about "grabbin' a quick slice" or having it "delivered hot and ready to your door" or  "how a ton of coupons promise you a discount, but when the time comes, you can't find 'em and end up paying full price". Try it, it's fun.  

ALSO, I'm fully aware that this blog will piss some people off. I'm kinda sorry, depending on who you are. 


FINALLY, I really like to make fun of everything, so if you hear me making jokes about "pinning someone's wife's feet to her ears" or something to that effect, it is just that, a joke. I don't feel how I really feel should conflict with missing an opportunity for a good joke. That goes for everything. Have you met me?