Groomsmen BIOS

It seems that all my recent posts have been about my upcoming wedding, which makes sense because it has been on the forefront of my mind and all I've been doing for a year now. And cross-stitch. Of course. The following are vetoed excerpts from my Groomsmen's bios that didn't make the cut for the website. The names have been changed to protect their identities.

Mike  Todd was once engaged to a gypsy horse thief, until she was wedded off by her father for a Vespa. Bridesmaids be warned, he is back on the prowl and looking for love.

Sebastian was born with 11 toes, which he had until a foot-fetish prostitute bit off three for non-payment, leaving him with the 8 that he might still have. Watch out for him on the dance floor.

Dylan suffered from temporary blindness after drinking from a Serbian drifter's wine skin. Also an avid traveler and womanizer, he has bastard children on three of the six inhabited continents.

Rocky contracted HPV from, "Probably that hot tub". When he isn't spelunking, he's trafficking endangered species for private dealers, most successfully, the majestic White Rhino.

Archibald once swallowed a goldfish to impress a girl. Much to the goldfish, but not our surprise, the fish spent its last living moments swimming through a stomach filled with almost pure Ethanol.

Zachariah worked as a grave-robber and once shared a Chic-Fil-A dumpster with a family of rare Marmot. He is also known among woman for successfully inducing labor, so woman with child in their first or second trimester- AVOID.

While touring with Creed, Muhammad once survived an hour and forty minutes on nothing but cigarettes, Fig Newtons and grain alcohol. (It sounds a lot more impressive when he tells it).

Petunia lost a fortune investing in the clear cola fad and now defunct Ja'Alai leagues. He claims to be able to divide by zero and now works in a salt mine.


Look forward to meeting these impressive Gents on October 6th in Wisconsin Dells, or earlier than that in your local drunk tank.