Revelations with Security Guard Hill vol. 1

Walgreens is all about loss prevention. One of the measures they take toward this end, is a middle-aged, black security guard named Hill. He is well-groomed, stands up straight, and when he isn't talking my ear off, probably good at what he does. For whatever reason, he has taken to telling me things about his personal life. I can only laugh and carry on with my business. As he passes by me speaking these little gems, then passing on. Here are some of those gems...

HILL

Brazilians. That's what they call them. I just remembered. That's what they call black women in Chinatown.

ME

 Are you sure they aren't actually Brazilians?

HILL

I got a DvD doh. Sam, I got a DvD! Brazilians.

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HILL

Asian women. Their families tell them things that make them afraid of black men. They should be too. I'm used to havin' me some BIG women, you know? 

ME

Sure. 

HILL

 These Asian women, they gonna wonder where the rain is when I bring the thunder. I put a dent in duh bed doh. A dent Sam, a dent.

(Hill walks away and stands at attention near the escalator. A moment later, I turn to look at him. His eyes are already fixed on me and with the most serious expression on his face, he makes a simple motion like snapping a twig. I'm speechless).

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HILL
I've got something to tell you, man.

 ME
Oh?

HILL
My friend told me that they're all over the place.

ME
What is?

HILL
Women are walking around, undiagnosed Bi-Polars.

ME
(Re-assuring, but awkward chuckle)

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HILL
I've got something to tell you.

ME
What's up?

HILL
My buddy, he was married, see? But, he wanted some cream in his coffee.

ME
(Confused)

HILL
By that I mean, he wanted a white woman.

ME
I see.

HILL
So, he got with this one lady, but she was paranoid, ya know,

SAM
Of course.

HILL
She had been treated poorly in the past, I guess. She ended up ruining my buddy's marriage.

ME
Sour cream, huh? What happened to her?

HILL
She buys him all kinds of stuff, so he still wit 'er.

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Hill would later explain in exact order, which ethic groups of women he is most interested in having sexual relations with...

1. Chinese: "They have little, sexy feet. No, seriously"
2. Brazilian: "They're all tan, and they don't care, man. Mmm!"
3. Russian: "They good-lookin' women man, they is- tall and fierce, you know?"
4. Italian: "They're shaped like black women, but with dark hair [?]"

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HILL
My lady, Patricia, she loves this Moscato...

(Referring to little, single-serving bottles of Gallo wines, that we sell for a single dollar)

...Yeah, she makes me bring some over so she can feel erotic and all.

She call me like, "Hill, you know I need that wine." So, I bring over two, you know? In case I want to go again...

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