Casino Stories Vol. 1 - "Dirty, Dirty People"

I worked as a casino bartender for over two years. In that time, I kept a journal recording first how much money I made each day, and then ridiculous shit (in this case literally) I would see everyday.

There are many kinds of casino people, with very different character traits. These categories will be explained in a later entry, but for now I want to get right down to one of the most disgusting habits that some casino goers possess: Soiling themselves.

I cannot tell you how many otherwise normal looking people have defiled themselves at the casino during my tenure there. On any given night, there is probably at least a handful of people sitting in some sort of their own human waste, for sometimes half a day, and counting. These are some of the most disgusting people a casino has to offer. They are, for the most part, old people. I chalk this up to three things: A) Old people have less bladder control B) Old people have less a concept of time and space C) Old people fought in WWII D) Old people could give a shit about you (pun VERY intended) and finally, E) Old people are old. OK, so that is more than three things, but I'm getting older, and can't be held accountable for my actions. Are you my grandson?

See what I did there? It happens all the time: Old people forgiveness. They make you wanna change their diaper, wrap them up in a blanket, and put them down for a nap. That said, if you have a grandparent that goes to the casino, then they, or their bridge partner, have almost certainly defacated in their pantalloons while there.

Now, it isn't ALWAYS an old person that does the deed. I can often be a "normal" person. Maybe not you childhood Little League coach, but probably that other dad that called himself a coach, when really he did nothing for the team but eat the snacks that the moms brought. Yep, that guy is a pants pooper.

It takes a lot for a normal person to piss, let alone shit, in their own pants, and then willingly sit in it for hours at a time. The main "reason" for this habit has to do with their addiction to gambling, and their game of choice- Slot machines. Since slot machines are supposed to pay out every once-in-awhile, the idea is that the more time and money you put into a machine, the more likely it is you will hit that jackpot. This is as ridiculous as assuming you will bang a super-model, just because you've always wanted to. Regardless, people are afraid of losing sight of their coveted machine, for fear that another loser will "steal" their jackpot. As a result, neither hunger, sleep deprivation, nor full bladder and bowels can make them leave their seats.

For this particular kind of casino person, soiling themsevles is so much a regular occurance, that they have developed strategies to elude casino officials of their revolting behavor, as that shit doesn't fly around here (Again with the puns, this is too easy).

Some of their tactics include, but are not limited to (as we are learning more everyday):

The "Wasn't Me"- This is when a person that is without a doubt sitting on a warm poo patty, just plays it cool. When a security guard walks by, they won't make eye contact, but if provoked, will blame it on a neighbor, much like they would a fart.

The "Mr. Bucket"- This is when a person will leave their slot machine (never too far though) to either piss in, or collect turds out of their drawers, and deposit them in now otherwise obsolete coin buckets. They will then leave the bucket in the corner, as if it is a treasure to be hidden for a lucky employee to find.

The "Innocent Bystander"- This is when a male, will stand in front of a covered garbage can (again, not too far from his machine) place his penis in the can, while with both hands he plays with his phone, or looks through his wallet, as he empties his bladder.

The "Turd Trot" (My personal favorite)- This is when a person will walk around the casino (Or once, even before entering the casino floor, which I don't understand, as they aren't even on a slot machine yet), and shake turds out of the bottom of their pant legs, every few steps. You never expect to step in poo when walking around in a lavish casino, but it has happened, and will again. 

Next time you're at a casino, stay away from the slots, and be wary of old people, because that fart smell isn't going away until they do. I hope I caught you on your lunch break.