The Only Things My Father May Speak of In Front of the my In-Laws

Marriages. The union of two families. Many times it can be a beautiful thing, resulting in decades of back-slapping, cigar smoking and worn-out inside jokes over many a Thanksgiving dinner, baptism, and graduation.

Though Jessica and I have been together, and enjoying one anothers families for these three years, our parents have met only twice. Both times were brief, and involved no (okay, little) alcohol.

As we come ever closer to the day of our nuptials, I can put off their meeting at great length for no longer. Four weeks from now, the three couples will be wedding planning over a weekend in the Dells. My father has gone well out of his way to make it clear that nothing should be expected of him throughout this process, but he will be there.

Though my father and I have the same sense of humor, I am at a point in my life where showing restraint and discretion is still of value. He, on the other hand, lives in bleach-stained sweatpants covered in dog hair and doesn't see much merit in leaving the house. As a result, my mother and I have deemed him a threat. At some point during our weekend with the Bersanis, there is the very serious chance that my father will say something less than agreeable to, or in front of, Jessica's parents. For that very reason, I have produced a list of the ONLY approved topics of conversation. These are to be studied and memorized, as any mention of canine excrement, feline vomit, unnecessary open flames or God forbid- my past, may jeopardize whatever impression the Bersanis have of me to allow me their eldest daughter's hand. And let's face it- over dinner the Bersanis may get drunk, but they won't get Wrobel drunk, which is a separate class in and of itself.

And here they are...

The Weather (Pretty safe, unless it is raining abortions and death penalties. A chilling thought...)

Ghosts and the Paranormal (Probably my father's biggest interest after the size, shape and consistency of dog shits, and it happens that Jessica's mother is also a fan [of the paranormal...not the shits...probably]

Jessica (The mutual adoration thereof)

Sam (Ages 0-2 and 24-26) [I cannot stress this enough. The Bersanis are good, Bartlett people and I am literally from the other side of the tracks. I've done some things man...]

John Wesley's Methodist Church and The Roman Catholic Church (Good, honest values. Under no circumstance will there be discussion of any specific people from any church. In fact, I'm reconsidering this topic, even as I type...)

The Cubs (How cheap tickets used to be)

The Bears (How cheap tickets used to be)

Chicago (Shared childhoods growing up there, drinking egg-cream sodas on stoops and playing stick ball I imagine)

The GOP (Nothing crazy now. Let them take the lead.)

Dogs (Minus any and all bodily fluids)

Gardening (Another shared passion of my father and Mrs. Bersani. Although, again, this could come dangerously close to a dog-shit conversation [not a euphemism]).

Should any other topic come up, my father is to act interested, but offer no contribution to the conversation, other than to train it towards one of the approved topics. Then order me another drink. All he need do is sit back, sip his martini, let me dominate the dinner conversation like I do best, and I may get to marry this broad yet.

Revelations with Security Guard Hill vol. 2

As I expected, Hill the security guard doesn't cease to amaze. Some of his most recent revelations...

HILL

You know I got something to tell you.

ME
What's up Hill?

HILL
 Sandra Sanchez: Half black, half Puerto Rican. Pow! Peanut butter skin and Egyptian eyes. You can read the hieroglyphics on the wall Sam; I brought some of that Moscato. I don't know what it is man. No more strike outs when I got that Moscato. Patricia?Who she? She get possessive man. I can't go down to the corner for a beer because she thinks I'm meeting a woman. Sandra Sanchez- soft as Walgreens cotton!

(Exit Hill)
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HILL

This liquor man, you gotta know yer limits, man. 

ME

Well, yeah.

HILL

I remember my first time losing control, man. I was 17, and my buddy Hussie's mom was a barmaid, so he come in with a fif a gin and a fif a some brown liquor, under his coat. We were at another buddy's basement. 

ME

So, what happened? 

HILL

I blacked out. When I came to, I was fighting this one guy, Tream, from around the corner. 

ME

Why were you fighting?

HILL

I don't know, but he musta crossed me, or somethin'.

ME

I see.

HILL

We just kept swingin' at each other and missin', cuz we were so messed up off that gin. I lost control. 

ME

So how did it end?

HILL

Our friends broke it up, and I left. I don't remember going home.

ME

Yeah, that happens a lot. I got real drunk off gin when I was...

HILL

I don't remember do'!

ME

Yeah.

HILL

I saw him again do', Tream. When I was sober.

ME

Yeah? What happened?

HILL 

I beat his ass. I told him I was sober now, and wanted to finish, but he didn't want to. I still beat on him do'.

ME

What for? You don't even remember what happened.

HILL

He musta crossed me do'...for me to get that mad. I was real mad.

(I take it this was the last time Hill let himself get drunk, because he later told me this...)

HILL

You gotta know your limits, if you a man, you gotta know.

ME

It is part of being an adult.

HILL

When I go out with a lady friend, and they ask why I'm only having a drink, I tell them, "How am I supposed to protect you if I'm drunk?"

ME

That makes sense, I guess. 

HILL

You gotta know your limits, man.

(Considering our previous conversations, it doesn't surprise me that Hill seems to have this sense of protecting his resource of women with Hippo-like ferocity.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HILL
What advice would you give a 14 year-old boy?

ME
Ummmm...like in general?

HILL
Yeah.

ME
Wear condoms, I guess?

(Hill walks away)

ME
???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HILL
I got this cousin, man.

ME
What's up Hill?

HILL
He's seeing this dancer, a stripper.

ME
Oh?

HILL
Every time I see this guy he's got a handful a ass.

(Exit Hill)
 
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 Now, I'm not the only person that Hill talks to this way. In fact, he uses the same routine on anyone who is within earshot of him. Throughout his shift, he will actually perfect the speech. I managed to overhear a preview of one of the above conversations and snapped a photo.